Diary of a Miscarriage

2011-11-13T22:03:00.001-05:00

Tonight I was putting my son, almost 4, to bed. He looked into my eyes and asked, "Momma why are you sad?" I tried to explain that I wasn't sad, just serious. He interrupted and continued, "Is it because of your baby that died?"

I was floored. While we haven't tried to keep it a secret from him, it isn't a regular part of our conversations with him. After a question or two I learned that my husband had explained that before LG was born, we had lost a baby. Again he asked if losing the baby was why I was sad.

I looked into the eyes of my precious boy and explained that I was very sad when his older brother died, but when he (LG) was born he brought me great joy. Then I explained that had that baby not died, I would never have met him, and I am very glad to be his mother.

Today it is still difficult to explain the sadness over the loss of that first baby, but also the joy that comes from the son I do have. I never could have had both of them. I still mourn the loss of that baby, although it is completely different now than it was 4 years ago. I feel so blessed to have the two children I have, they are beautiful and wonderful people. The journey I have been through has led me to appreciate them even more.

Billy Donovan's Secret Sorrow

2011-05-27T08:47:00.000-04:00

I orginally saw this piece on TV back during the NCAA tournament. I happened across what was probably the article inspiring the piece a couple days ago and want to share it. It is 3 men's perspective on losing a full term infant, Billy Donovan's Secret Sorrow.

While I am sad that any one has to go through this, I am glad to see the media spotlight this issue. I am certain it will help someone learn how to support a friend going through this difficult experience.

4 years

2011-02-25T11:00:00.001-05:00

I have been trying to think of something profound to say today, but words escape me. All week I have been melancholy, remembering how I felt 4 years ago.

I am happy and blessed with my current life. I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful and perfect children.

When I woke up this morning I heard a song I had not heard before playing on the radio.

Darius Rucker, This
Got a baby girl sleeping in my bedroom
And her mama laughing in my arms

There's the sound of rain on the rooftop

And the game's about to start

I don't really know how I got here
But I'm sure glad that I did

And it's crazy to think that one little thing

Could've changed all of it

Maybe it didn't turn out like I planned
Maybe that's why I'm such, such a lucky man

(Chorus)

For every stoplight I didn't make

Every chance I did or I didn't take

All the nights I went too far

All the girls that broke my heart

All the doors that I had to close

All the things I knew but I didn't know

Thank God for all I missed

Cause it led me here to

This

There is more to the song, but the first part is what speaks to me today.

God's Plans

2010-12-15T13:29:00.002-05:00

“'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you.'" Jeremiah 29:11-12

My sweet cousin was 9 or 10 weeks pregnant and lost her baby today. My heart is aching for her! Until the last year I didn't really know her, she is a few years younger and we grew up 1000 miles apart. Now we have children just a couple weeks apart in age and have developed a relationship talking to each other about them.

We don't always know God's plans for our lives, but he does have a plan. Maybe God allowed me to lose my baby so that I could support my cousin. It has been almost 4 years since my baby died and I am at a place where I can talk about my experience easily. I am praying for my cousin & her husband they can find healing and comfort during this difficult time.

3 years

2010-02-25T08:25:00.003-05:00

3 years ago today we lost our first little baby. At that time I felt desperate and without hope. Today it almost seems as if it happened to someone else instead of me. So much has changed. I still miss that little baby, but in a different way than before. While I don't feel healed or over it, I do feel better these days. I still think about that baby every day, it was such a major event in my life that it is hard not to.

The experience of losing that baby makes me appreciate my son and new daughter more. I know that life is precious and nothing is guaranteed so I have to enjoy every moment with them. If you would like to see how my life is these days, please visit my updated blog: Raspberry Chip.

Raspberry Chip is now private. If you would like an invite to read it, please send me and e-mail: Rachel (dot) Runner@gmail.com

2 years

2009-02-25T09:08:00.002-05:00

Two years ago today my life changed in a way I never expected possible. We lost out precious first baby.

"They" tell you that time heals the pain and grief, two years ago I didn't believe that. Today I do. I still think about our baby, the emotional loss, the physical loss, but it isn't as hard to deal with. I still cry at times missing that baby and the life that might have been. I feel like there is a part of our family missing.

However, today I am blessed with a son who I would not have if we didn't lose that baby.

My loss gave me empathy for those struggling with loss not just of children but of spouses, friends, and parents. It has opened doors for me to talk to people more in depth that I wouldn't have otherwise.

Today I am sad for my loss, but I am happy for what I do have. I know that I will never forget our baby.

Book Taken

2008-11-20T10:44:00.000-05:00

I have found a home for the book. Thank you for stopping by.

Give Away

2008-11-19T14:53:00.002-05:00

I have a used but in very good condition book, Empty Cradle, Broken Heart: Surviving the Death of Your Baby by Deborah L Davis, PhD to give to the first person who replies to this post who has had a loss.

This book would be appropriate for anyone who has recently had a miscarriage or lost an infant. Although it is more geared towards a stillbirth or loss of an infant.

I read it after my miscarriage and found it helpful although I don't think I will read it again. I would like to pass it on to help someone else. Please either reply or send an email to rachel dot runner at gmail dot com. I will need your name and address.

I hope that this will bless someone who is currently in need.

"Happy" Birthday

2008-09-23T21:21:00.003-04:00

Today we should have been celebrating a first birthday. I still think about that first baby every day, but my emotions are not near as strong. Some things still trigger my grief, but I am OK 99% of the time. I was really emotional last night and expected today to be awful, but it wasn't.

I heard a Kenny Chesney song on the radio today that I have probably heard a hundred times. I didn't really listen to the words until today:

It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
The death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

Would you see the world?
Would you chase your dreams?
Settle down with a family?
I wonder, what would you name your babies?
Some days the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy

It was as if the song was being sung for me.

I still miss you little one. If you were here, you would have had the perfect first birthday.

A year ago...

2008-02-25T08:40:00.003-05:00

Dear Baby,

A year ago today I saw you for the first time, you were born way too early. I miss you and am sad I never got to hold you. I had many dreams for you, but now I take comfort in knowing you are in heaven. I love you!

Love,
Your mom

A Happy Beginning

2007-12-17T15:38:00.000-05:00

God must have some interesting sense of humor. Exactly 9 months to the day that we lost our first baby, our son was born. What a blessing He has given us!

Once the nurses handed little guy to me, I felt my whole being relax. I am still aware that he could be taken from me at any moment, but M and I have gotten to enjoy him so much.

The first day in the hospital that I was alone with our son, I started to cry, I was so sad that our friends M & K and so many others had not gotten a chance to experience the whirlwind that we had. Even when nursing hurt, and I was exhausted from people visiting, and my back was sore, and nurses kept checking the stitches I had in my most private area, it was all worth it.

My days are so different now. I feel so responsible and a strong need to protect this little guy. Every decision I make revolves around him and I would not trade it for the world. I know that all parents believe their child is perfect, but ours really is.

I feel very blessed that I was allowed the opportunity to have a child, I love him with all my heart. He has allowed me to see a whole new side of my husband, a side that makes me love him more than I ever thought possible.

The past year has not been a good year for us, if I could have a “do-over” year, this is the year I would chose. The pain of losing a baby overshadowed the entire year and influenced everything. Only the few weeks preceding the birth of our son began to feel normal. In the end, we were given one of the greatest gifts.

I know that not everyone who experiences a miscarriage will experience the same level of grief that I have had. I am also not naïve enough to think that every person who loses a baby will later have a baby as quickly as I did. I hope that this diary of my experience will give hope to those still seeking to carry a baby home.

Because I am beginning a new stage in my life, I am no longer going to post on this blog. I have another blog, http://www.raspberrychip.blogspot.com/ where I will continue to post my random thoughts, and updates. Since I currently do not have internet access at home, I will try to update it weekly until I have regular internet access again.

Thank you to each of you who has helped me along in my journey. Your comments really helped me to not feel alone.

Rachel

Happy Birthday J

2007-11-30T13:01:00.000-05:00

J would have been 1 today. Please keep his parents in your prayers today as they are aching for the son they never got to know.

Little Guy has Arrived

2007-11-27T07:47:00.001-05:00

He was born at 12:46 am on Sunday November 25. He weighed 7 pounds 5 ounces and was 20.25 inches. He is as perfect as can be. We love him so much!

I could have posted Sunday or yesterday but have been exhausted and enjoying holding him every chance I get. We should be able to go home later today and can't wait.

Hello from the Hospital

2007-11-24T12:07:00.000-05:00

I truly didn't expect to check in again until Monday, but my water broke this morning. So far progress has been very slow. If they didn't have me hooked up to a monitor and I wasn't leaking, I wouldn't even know I was in labor.

I woke up about 4:30 with really bad acid reflux. I took some Tums, went to the bathroom, took more Tums, then settled back down. About then I announced to M, "I just went pee." He didn't really respond. I got up and went to the bathroom again and finally decided my water broke.

The only thing I had hoped to accomplish yesterday was packing my hospital bag. I did have a small pile going, but no bag. We packed quickly, fed the dogs, and debated stopping for breakfast but decided we better not. We checked in at the hospital within 45 minutes of me waking up and have been hanging out here ever since. I am a little bummed I didn't get breakfast and the nurses won't let me eat in case I have an emergency c-section. I've been trying to sleep but the girl screaming across the hall (who chose not to have an epidural) is a bit distracting.

My OB is not on call but a nice, female OB from her office is. The nurses started cervadal (sp?) to try to get me dilated, it will stay in for at least 12 hours unless I go into active labor. The doc says I may not have this baby until tomorrow. I'll be really hungry by then!

It is a little hard to type with the IV in, so I probably won't update again until little guy arrives.
****
P.S. to the Wed. post

I didn't mean to hurt anybody's feelings about the check boxes on the birth certificate application. Obviously there just is not enough check boxes to fit each individual's situation. I am not sure how the boxes should be worded exactly, but I do know it should be different.
****
Assuming all goes well, I'll have a son the next time I write.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2007-11-21T07:12:00.000-05:00

Since I won' t be posting for the next 4 or 5 days I have several random things that don't really link together to post about. I decided to post them all at once.
~~~
Christyna---Thanks for your comments on my last post, it made me feel better.
~~~
Last week I got my pre-admission paperwork from the hospital. I had already pre-registered online so I had no idea what the paperwork would consist of. It was releases and the paperwork for a birth certificate.

As I was filling out the birth certificate I was struck by the strangeness of some of the questions, how many cigarettes did you smoke while pregnant, what was your pre-pregnancy weight, what was your weight at delivery, and how many prenatal visits did you have. I found those questions to be a little weird and I am pretty sure they don't show up on the birth certificate. Then I got to the section on previous pregnancies. The first box asked how many live births you had and then had you fill in the number that were still living and those not living. The next box asked how many miscarriages/abortions you had. They were lumped together as if they were the same thing, it really upset me. I was on the phone with my brother and had to hang up mid conversation (and for once we weren't discussing his pets). Later I got mad when I realized that people like my friends M & K who lost their son at 37 weeks have no box to fill out. Their son was not born live, but he was definitely not a miscarriage. Our state issues birth certificates in the case of stillbirth, but yet there is not a box to check to account for him when completing the paperwork? I looked up the director over vital statistics and plan to try to get those boxes changed. I am sure it won't be easy, but I don't want my miscarriage lumped in with an abortion and I don't want my friends to not have a box to check when they finally do have another child.
~~~
Warning the next part is long, rambling, and full of family memories:

My mom is different. In recent months I have learned that she may be more normal than I thought, but I still think she is different. I don't know if my family is going to visit when little guy is born, and I am scared to ask. For a year she told us they would be here for M's graduation then the week before they were supposed to arrive I found out from my dad they weren't coming. Another time my youngest brother was supposed to go on a mission trip with me to Mexico. I didn't invite him until after I had my parents permission and they agreed to help him pay for the trip. I still gave it another week and double checked with them before I invited him. The day before the deposit was due they decided he couldn't go. So now, even though I really want my mom and dad to be here, I am scared to ask. I know they'll say yes, but I don't want to be disappointed when they don't end up coming.

Mom can't plan anything ahead of time. She hates to travel but once on the spur of the moment drove 8 hours to Canada, in the winter, post 9/11, for a fish sandwich. She didn't have her purse, coat, or rabies tag for her dog who was also with her. She got into Canada fine, but the only thing that allowed her back into the US was the fact that she crossed the border at a rarely traveled crossing and her story was so crazy the border patrol figured it had to be true.

Anyhow, when I was talking to my brother the other night, he mentioned that they were planning to visit, but he didn't know if they were going to leave while in the hospital, or if they would wait until Christmas. Now my hopes are up. I love my brother to death and have no idea when I will make it home again. If I could see him at Christmas, it would be awesome. Of course I really want to see my parents too. If my parents drive down there is a good chance one of my other brothers will visit too. He already said he wants to come and talked to his ex about bringing my niece. I am not getting my hopes up about that one though.

So M and I decided to try to figure out which hotels are close to our house last night. The closest and cheapest is a dump. However it is in a safe enough part of town and it would be the quickest drive to our house so they may stay there. There is not a pool though and my family prefers to stay in places with a pool because it is cheap entertainment for my brother (and hopefully my niece). We decided to drive past a nearby hotel and it was really nice and it a little better area. M made a funny comment though, "That place looks just nice enough for your dad to embarrass me if he decides to sit down in the lobby in his boxers again." I had no idea what M was talking about.

It turns out the day before our wedding my mom decided my dad needed a tux. I was just happy my dad came down and was still hoping he would turn up at the wedding. If he turned up wearing his cowboy boots, wranglers, and a plaid button down like he wears 99% of the time, I would have been happy. M pulled up at the hotel to take my brothers to get fitted and dad came out wearing an undershirt and boxers. He sat down in the lobby and asked M if he had to wear a tux. M said he didn't care what he wore and that was the end of the conversation. For the record, dad wore a suit to our wedding instead of a tux and he was much more comfortable than he would have been in a tux.

My youngest brother was 10 when M and I got married. He was a groomsman and VERY excited about participating in the wedding. He knew my colors were yellow and navy and that the girls were wearing navy dresses. He decided that meant the boys must be wearing yellow. Even though at the time my parents were still struggling to get him to understand the importance of wearing clothing while in the yard, and not wearing too small Dalmatian pj's in public, he was willing to get dressed up in a yellow suit (with collar) for me.

He walked out of the fitting room in his black tux and it was all I could do to keep from laughing. The salesperson asked how it felt and he responded, "fine". The pants barely covered his knees and the jacket sleeves were a good 4 inches from reaching his wrists. We all finally burst out laughing and sent him back to try a bigger size. Later we found out he thought maybe that was how tuxes were supposed to fit and he was willing to wear whatever I wanted him to. I hope I never forget how he looked in that tux.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Sad

2007-11-20T07:35:00.000-05:00

Since I have decided that I am probably too shy to nurse in public, and with little guy due at the height of flu season, M and I have been trying to get out of the house now while we still can easily.

This weekend we were going to go to a movie, but nothing we wanted to see was playing so we opted for dinner and then to go shopping. As we pulled into the burger joint that was the only place near the theater to eat, I remembered how sad I felt the last time we ate there. The line was long, but the hostess said it would only be a 10 minute wait so we decided to stay. Unfortunately the only empty seat was next to a family with a newborn. My back just won't allow me to stand like I used too so I took a seat. Even though the baby was a girl, I had so much trouble sitting there. I was so sad about the baby I lost.

I know it seems silly when I am 3 weeks away from holding my own baby. My hormones are probably just out of control. I couldn't look at that baby in the restaurant even though I tried. I am so scared that I will have trouble when my baby arrives. I do feel a connection to him, but at the same time I am so scared I'll have trouble bonding. I don't know what my problem is.

OB update of the week: little guy probably won't arrive this week either. I am not effaced or dilated at all. Also, my platelets are down slightly and my blood pressure is still slightly elevated for me. Nothing to worry about, according to my OB. The swelling does seem to be less this week than last though.

Before & After

2007-11-19T07:46:00.001-05:00

Before this was Little Guy's room, it was supposed to be a guest room. Over Christmas we (OK actually M) redid the floors in our house. Shortly after that we found out we were expecting our first baby. This room was supposed to become his room.

After we lost him, it became the junk room/ sewing/ exercise room.

Now it is Little Guy's room with a place for me to sew in. From these pictures, you can't tell how bright it is in there during the day. I closed the curtains since the windows need a through washing.

We bought the crib used. I made the curtains. We found the bedding on e-bay. M surprised me with the rocker a couple weeks ago. I made the blanket and boppy cover.

The quilt rack was bought on our honeymoon, the boots belonged to one of my brothers. The dresser belonged to M as a child, we painted it and put new hardware on. The bench in the corner came from the 1 room school house in east Texas where my great-grandmother taught.
This desk came from M's sister. The quilt was made by M's grandmother. The lamp was given to me by my sisters when I moved out on my own. The pooh was a gift to us when we found out we were expecting our first baby. I couldn't get rid of it, but Little Guy won't be allowed to play with it.

I hope you enjoyed the pictures!

Swelling and horomones

2007-11-15T08:06:00.001-05:00

Every night before bed I look down at my ankles and I am amazed at the size. I can see that they are swollen but it doesn't really affect me. My hands and face are swollen too and I can actually feel it there. At times it is hard to write or grip stuff. My doctor said it is carpal tunnel caused by pregnancy. Last night I realized how big my legs are, so I measured my calf muscles. They were 3 inches bigger than when I last measured them, probably the end of February or early March. I knew they were big, but 3 inches is a lot. Thank goodness for wide leg pants. This morning I looked at my ankles and they looked almost normal sized. I measured my calves again and they were 1.5 inches smaller. It's crazy!

My doctor said the swelling could be a sign of preeclampsia but I have none of the other signs. My blood pressure was a little elevated at my last appointment but nothing she was concerned about. I have chosen not to search about preeclampsia since my doctor doesn't think I have it and I don't need to scare myself.

I have been feeling pretty confident lately that we will be bringing home our son and he will be OK. Then Tuesday while I was at class, M went to eat with his mom. He took the most recent ultrasound pictures to show them off along with the previous ultrasound pictures so they could compare them. He picked me up after class and on the way home I was going to look at the pictures when he realized he had left them at his parents. It caused a ton of anxiety. We were in the truck with the dogs in back and it was starting to rain so he wanted to get the dogs home before we went back to his parents. I was so worried about something happening to the pictures during that 20 minutes. M asked me why I was so upset and I told him that if something happened it was my only proof that we ever had a son. I guess even though I was being kicked in the belly button at that moment and I had just learned everything was still OK, somewhere in the back of my head I am scared it won't be.

OB Update

2007-11-14T08:10:00.000-05:00

My visit yesterday went well. Little Guy is measuring 6 pounds, 14 ounces, about a week ahead of schedule. I know the measurements are not completely accurate, but we now know we won't be having an abnormally huge baby. It is kind of strange because the whole time we have been expecting a big baby with a big head. I only have a couple newborn sized sleepers, but I'm not going to go buy more. The OB says most likely I will not have him before Thanksgiving. We are anxious, but at least we can enjoy the holiday weekend. I didn't know how I would handle a bunch of extra visitors in town wanting to hold him, now I don't have to stress about it.

We asked about the umbilical cord. The technician said at this point it is hard to tell much. The cord is near the left side of his neck, as far as she can tell, it was not on the right side. I gasped a little when she said that, but I have to trust that God won't take another child from me.

He has hair on his head. For some reason I expected a bald baby. Both M and I were born with hair so I guess I should have known. I saw my hospital picture this past weekend, I can only hope our son takes after his dad. I was not a cute baby. M on the other hand was one of the cutest babies ever.

Dear Couple

2007-11-14T08:04:00.000-05:00

Dear Couple from my OBs Office,

I made eye contact with you as you were leaving, I hope that means you didn't see my belly. I know that look in your eyes, the one with a blank stare and tears. Your baby didn't make it. I am so sorry. I wanted to chase you to the elevator and give you a hug, but I didn't think a hug from an obviously pregnant person would help you feel any better. I cried for you yesterday before the door even closed. I cried for you last night when I told my husband how sad I was for you.

I have been in your shoes. It sucks! The next few days will be really hard. I promise that it does get easier. Some days several months out will still be hard, but you will begin to have more good days than bad. I have been praying for you. Allow your friends and family to take care of you. Please lean on each other, you need each other right now.

I know you were really excited, had made plans, and had dreams. I am sorry that you won't get to follow through with them. I pray that you will be blessed with a child someday. I am sorry you were not this time.

Rachel

Hormonal

2007-11-12T08:05:00.000-05:00

Minus a valance, Little Guy's room is done. It looks really good. Saturday I took my list of stuff we still "needed" to every store in town and got it all. I am sure there are several items that were on my list that my parents and grandparents survived without, but I figure since they are available now, I might as well make use of them. I hope to post before and after pictures of the room this week.
~~~
My hormones are out of control and I don't know what to do about it. I feel myself getting emotional and try to relax, but end up hysterical anyway. Saturday I cried until I threw up. I don't even know why I was crying. It made for a very long weekend, especially for M. Last night was a little better, but definitely not normal. I am hoping that I can learn how to deal with the hormones better otherwise the next 4 weeks are going to feel like an eternity.

Random Ranting

2007-11-09T12:11:00.000-05:00

Last night a complete stranger asked my husband and me if I was having twins. We were walking across the parking lot and he yelled it from his car. When we responded no, he said, "it's gonna be a whopper then." Gee, thanks.

Also yesterday I stopped by some "friends'" office from my building. One commented that I looked nice then another girl told me my sweater didn't fit very well. I actually felt pretty good about how I looked. Later the same girl told me how she and her husband had seen me crossing the street and he, not recognizing me, told her I looked huge. Again, thanks.

I realize I am pregnant. I realize I want to be pregnant and have a child. I realize my body changes are for a good reason. None of that changes the fact that I am still an insecure person with body image issues. Seeing that number on the scale go up at every visit is really hard. It is way higher than it has ever been in my life. Seeing the swelling in my face and ankles, makes me feel even bigger than I am.

I am worried about the amount of weight I have gained (about 40 pounds), and how much more I may gain in the next 4 weeks. My doctor is pleased with the weight gain especially since I was on prednisone for 2 months, but I think it's too much. I wonder if the weight will all come off, and how long it will take. I am already trying to figure out when I can exercise again for real. I know it is going to take time and it will take awhile before I have the energy to exercise.

M keeps reminding me that no one has vicious intentions when they make comments. I understand that in my head, but not in my heart. When you aren't pregnant, people generally keep their thoughts about your looks to themselves. For some reason being pregnant allows them to speak without thinking first.
~~~
My biological mom sent me an e-mail forward today about being thankful for the thorns in our lives. The main person in the e-mail had lost a baby in a car accident and throughout the e-mail was told about others who became thankful for bad things that happened to them. I am sure she (Ann) wasn't trying to be insensitive, but I really am not ready to be thankful for losing my baby. She sent it to several people along with the comment that she had been feeling down lately and knew she had stuff to be thankful for. I guess the whole lost baby thing didn't register when she forwarded me the message. I don't really know how to respond, normally I don't. I am tired of her hurting my feelings, and even if this is not as bad as other things she has done, I feel like maybe I should tell her it did hurt.
~~~
I am proud of myself for stopping a belly rub yesterday. The girl who rubbed my belly during my shower tried to do it again yesterday. I grabbed her arm and told her, "Don't rub my belly, you don't want me rubbing yours." Of course when she was pregnant she happened to like people rubbing her belly so she didn't really relate. That isn't what matters though. What matters is that I don't want her touching my belly and I stood up for myself. Yeah!

Christmas

2007-11-08T07:37:00.000-05:00

I had the conversation with my boss yesterday, it was no big deal. His suggestion is to go ahead and go on maternity leave and then come back and put in my 2 weeks. That way I'll get paid for all my sick, vacation, and Christmas leave without any problems. That adds up to about 3 weeks of pay, which will be nice. Otherwise my only guaranteed pay would be my vacation time, which is only a week. He said he would be flexible with me about the 2 weeks of working time, because we will need childcare during that time.
~~~
Our neighbors put up their Christmas tree already. I love Christmas, I love our Christmas tree, and I love decorating our Christmas tree, but I am a firm believer in observing all holidays in order. They put their tree up the day after Halloween. Then yesterday they hung some bells on their front door and a decoration on their window. By the time Christmas gets here, we'll have a whole Christmas village next door. I don't like to decorate for Christmas until Thanksgiving is over, everything has to be in order.

M enjoys Christmas but he doesn't get as into decorating the tree as I do. My parents and grandparents have given me ornaments every year since my dad and mom got married. Each one has a special memory for me. When M and I got married, we started that tradition between each other too. He and I do a better job of finding special ornaments for each other than my parents/grandparents do. One year I was really homesick and he found a crystal star with my home state's seal on it. I usually find him sports or tool related ornaments. The ideal ornament for him would be a certain model Chevy truck but I haven't found one yet. We buy ornaments on vacation or if we see a funny one, we'll get it. I realized a month or so ago that with my due date, a Christmas tree may be more than I can manage this year. M promised that if I don't have the energy to set up the tree, he'll do it. I love doing it, so I hope I can, but I love that he is willing to since it means so much to me.

Not going back

2007-11-06T12:53:00.000-05:00

I still haven't told my boss that I'm not planning to come back to work after little guy arrives. At first it was all up in the air, I couldn't decide what to do. After checking into some childcare options, I decided I really didn't want someone else watching our child. Then I came up with the idea to watch one or 2 other people's kids. M and I threw the idea around for awhile and finally decided that me staying home was best for our family.

My mom owns a daycare and for 7 years I helped her out daily. I figure that I can handle watching a couple children. Besides, it will bring in just enough extra money to help keep our budget from being too tight.

The problem is I need to talk to my boss. He knows there is a possibility I won't come back. He hired someone just in time so they could be well trained by the time I go on leave. I am just really nervous about talking to him. I already know he won't be mad or upset, I'm just anxious about the conversation. I had the conversation all planned out in my head, I planned to tell him today, then he left for the rest of the day. I have to tell him, and soon!

Worn out

2007-11-05T12:26:00.000-05:00

I had another shower this weekend. Just a small shower hosted by a department I helped out back in the spring. It was fun. One of the girls did the belly rub though and it was so uncomfortable, I really felt violated. I didn't speak up and really wish I had.

Yesterday, I felt ill. My stomach, back, ears, and throat were all bothering me. I had so much I wanted to do. About midnight I woke up to M snoring and I flipped out. I took the next hour to finish several little projects around the house that seemed like too much effort earlier. My back was killing me, but for some reason it seemed imperative to get those things taken care of right then.

I didn't anticipate how worn out I would be during pregnancy. I figured I would just be able to continue on with life with the exception of quitting running around 5 or 6 months and enjoying naps on the weekends. I was really wrong. The good thing is that M is very understanding and does pick up the slack around the house. I get really frustrated though and often feel lazy even when there is no physical way I can do some things.

I have to keep reminding myself that little things are OK left undone. If the ceiling fans are dusty when little guy gets here, he doesn't care. If I do get around to cleaning them, that is a bonus.

Pregnancy topics

2007-11-02T10:48:00.000-04:00

Our second childbirth class was last night, I think it is really helping me relax about labor. I am not near as worried about the epidural anymore. I am still not sure about being induced early, but I'll talk to my doctor Monday and try to learn more.

The video of women in labor did stir up bad memories of my pain during my miscarriage, but I was not as weepy as in the past. I know going through labor (if that is what I experienced) this time will have a different result.
~~~~
In case you are wondering what to talk to a pregnant person about, here are some ideas of topics to avoid (unless you happen to be their doctor)

how huge their belly is
how small their belly is
how swollen they are
any horror stories you may have
additionally, don't touch their belly unless you have been specifically invited to do so (so far I am up to 10 unwanted touches)

Another tip, if a pregnant woman is walking towards the bathroom and continues walking when you say hi, just let her go. If during your conversation, she reaches for the bathroom door handle, let her go in. She has already waited a little too long to head to the bathroom since she was just in there. She was trying to hold off going again so soon. Her poor flattened bladder is about to explode and she would be horrified if she wet her pants in front of you. Thanks for understanding!

This month?

2007-11-01T09:29:00.000-04:00

As I flipped my calendar page this morning I realized there is a strong possibility little guy will be here THIS MONTH! I am excited, scared, anxious, and happy all rolled into one.

My next appointment is Monday and I'll have an ultrasound a week from Monday. That will help M and me make the decision about induction. Yesterday I stayed home from work to rest, about noon I noticed the baby hadn't moved in awhile. I laid on my bed for about 5 minutes jiggling my stomach trying to avoid freaking out. As I started to tear up and try to decide what my next steps should be, he finally gave me a faint kick. Just enough to calm my fears. Experiences like that make me want to deliver today. At the same time I don't want him to have to be on monitors after he is born so I want to make sure his heart and lungs are ready.

I am really excited to meet him and so excited to see M as a father. I am anxious and scared about my ability to be a good mom. I did not have a good role model mom as a young child and I want to make sure history doesn't repeat itself. I have a lot of ideas about how I want to parent, but putting those ideas into practice is another story.
~~~
I got the coming home blanket done yesterday. It is really adorable. I monogrammed little guy's name on it, so I won't post pictures yet. I washed it in Dreft when I finished and it smells like a baby. I never knew Dreft was the baby smell, I just thought babies smelled a certain way. It was such a strange feeling when I pulled the blanket out of the dryer this morning and smelled that smell. It was like I realized this really is going to happen.

New Symptoms

2007-10-30T08:23:00.000-04:00

After months of a relatively simple pregnancy, I have developed new symptoms. Beginning last week, my ankles have been swelling up by the end of the day. My ankles look like they belong to another person.

Then yesterday my hands started swelling. My anniversary band which has been too big, started to get tight. By the end of the day my fingers were tingling, almost like they were in the beginning stages of "waking up". It didn't hurt, but it wasn't comfortable. My lips are tingling today. I believe it is caused by swelling. The fingers tingling appear to be a normal symptom.

The other thing is last night I noticed red stretch marks on my belly. I had made it almost my whole pregnancy without stretch marks and now I am getting them at the end. I guess I am lucky to just now be getting them, and maybe they will go away.

My doctor has said that she would induce me anytime after 37 weeks (in 3 weeks). M is for that, he is ready to have the little guy here. I have mixed feelings. I have heard that induced labor is more painful. I also want to make sure everything will be OK with the baby. Of course, it would relieve the fear of a cord mishap. I have heard too many stories of babies being lost at full term. We have some time to decide, I just want to make sure to make the right decision.

Monday Again

2007-10-29T08:51:00.000-04:00

Well, this weekend did turn out busy, but it wasn't as overwhelming as I expected. I made a list of everything I wanted done. Then I decided I wouldn't try to do it all this weekend, but throughout the next week. Together M and I were able to get most everything done. I do have to keep reminding myself that because I don't have my normal amount of energy, I can't expect to get stuff done the way I used to. When you are a perfectionist, that can be difficult to remember.

After my exam this week, I'll be able to finish up some sewing projects. It will be nice to get those out of the way. That will allow me to clean up a pile that has accumulated next to my bed. It is hard to believe we only have 6 weeks to go!

Class Helpful

2007-10-26T11:15:00.000-04:00

Yesterday's post should have been title Thursday, not Wednesday. I guess I got confused on what day it was.

The class last night was actually helpful. I am not sure I learned much, but it did help me relax. The tour of the facilities and being talked through where I would be when gave me a plan. Now I know if I go into labor at this time, I use this door, etc. I know when to go to the hospital. I know the hospital has wireless access. I know I can keep visitors away or have as many as I want. Knowing the little details helps so much.

We have a busy weekend ahead of us. M has his FE exam in the morning, it is his first step towards becoming licensed. I need to pick up little guy's rug. I have my midterm exam for my nutrition class on Tuesday and I am way behind on my studying. We have tickets to the homecoming game which we need to find a home for. Sunday is church, M's work picnic, and helping with the Fall Festival. I'd like to get all the stuff done in little guy's room and finish my thank yous, but I don't see it happening. Regular household chores need to get done too. I am tired thinking about doing it all. Prior to being pregnant, it would seem like nothing. Now it seems like a huge mountain and I don't know where the trail begins to get over it.

Wednesday

2007-10-25T09:38:00.000-04:00

Today is 8 months since our loss. It doesn't seem like it has been that long, at the same time it feels like that was forever ago.
~~~
Tonight we go to our first childbirth class. Hopefully we will learn something useful.

Picture Day part 2

2007-10-24T09:51:00.001-04:00

Here are the bibs I mentioned a few weeks ago. Underneath is a small blanket I made. Yes, I realize there are a variety of schools represented. We are fans of all 3 for different reasons.
Close up of UK bib.
My favorite (it turned out a bit blurry).

Picture Day

2007-10-24T08:54:00.000-04:00

Post edited to show after picture of living room.Here is our post shower living room mess, after I was about half way through putting stuff away. I am standing in the walkway and the entire middle of the living room is filled, there was no path to walk so I just worked around the edges. Our living room is not that big, but the mess was still impressive.

The living room once everything got put away.

I have all the clothes washed, all the newborn through 6 month clothing is put away. I have room in the closet for the rest of the clothes, but ran out of hangers. We didn't get our bedding at the shower but we found a set on ebay and should know in a couple days if we won the bid or not. The painting is done. We will pick up the rug later this week. The curtains and border need to be hung, but everything is coming together nicely. Hopefully by next weekend we will have the baby's room finished and I can post pictures of it.

Below are a couple belly pictures. I was feeling pretty good about my size until I saw these. I was really nervous about posting them, but decided it wouldn't hurt anything. Everyone keeps telling me that I haven't really looked pregnant until the past 2 or 3 weeks. After seeing these pictures, I think the are lying. I do have 7 weeks to go, so really it isn't too bad. I am not exactly sure how much weight I have gained, maybe 30 pounds. It is hard to say since I gained a little weight with the first pregnancy and then tried to eat my grief away. I have not weighed myself at home since March.

M says I look like a watermelon in this picture. I agree, but I love the sweater. I wish I had taken some pictures a month ago for comparison. The last pictures I took I was 19 weeks and my belly is no where close to the same size.

Butt Kicking

2007-10-23T08:15:00.001-04:00

Yes, I do plan to post a picture of the living room. I keep forgetting to download the pictures off the camera, maybe I'll remember tonight.
~~~
Yesterday I saw my OB again. Everything is still going well. The baby is measuring normal, my heart rate is staying consistently normal, I am gaining weight, but not too much. There isn't much more I can ask for. Well, I could ask for a shorter wait at her office. My appointment was at 3:30. When I left at 6:00, I remembered the problem with having the OB with the best reputation in town, she is in very high demand. In the middle of the day yesterday she got called out of the office to deliver a baby who turned out to be quite larger than expected. That put all the appointments behind. She still had 3 patients after I left.

I was a bit frustrated that at 4:15 I still hadn't been seen until I found out why. The nurse went ahead and did my urine sample, blood pressure, and weight. Then I waited for the OB. Her part takes about 2 minutes, but I waited forever, in the the same examining room as 2 weeks ago with the same 2 magazines that were there last time. Normally I take something of my own to read, but I forgot yesterday. I won't make that mistake again. The OB is so nice and apologized profusely. She did seem a bit rushed but thankfully I didn't have any questions this week. I asked her if the baby was measuring large, she said he is still normal but that the measurement isn't totally accurate. I go back in 2 weeks and then weekly until he is born. In 3 weeks I'll have an ultrasound and she should get a better idea of his size then. 5 weeks from now, if he still hasn't arrived, she will do another ultrasound.

On the way home, it was drizzling ever so slightly. We have been in a severe drought for the past 2 months so we needed the moisture. Because most people seem to forget how to drive in the rain, I decided to cut through the neighborhood instead of sitting in the bumper to bumper traffic on the main road. As I was going down a slight hill and around a curve I realized I was going a little too fast. I was going the speed limit, but I am a very cautious driver. When I put my foot on the brakes, they locked up and the steering wheel wouldn't turn. I started a slow slide towards the guard rail. I almost panicked. It was slow motion and I couldn't get the car to respond. I was worried about my seat being too far forward and the air bag hurting the baby. I worried about whether or not the lower part of my seat belt was properly positioned across my waist and not my belly. I was wondering how hard it would hurt when the collision happened, I was worried that if I didn't survive how M would take care of the baby on his own. Then the car finally moved, into the oncoming lane. There was a car coming, but it was far enough away that they could slow down and move over. I was able to regain control and thankfully avoid an accident. I am sure it was only a second or 2, but it felt like 10 minutes. I pulled over on a side street and called M and just sat there crying. I guess the stress of the whole situation just got overwhelming. Thankfully everything is OK. I really feel like an angel was watching out for me. He almost had a similar collision on his way home too, I am glad he is OK.
~~~
In the middle of the night last night M, kicked my butt, literally. He was dreaming he was trying to kick a basketball and he kneed me right in the behind. I'll tell you that is not a fun way to wake up. It wasn't funny at 2:30, but it is pretty funny right now. I'm a little sore, but I'll survive.

Shower

2007-10-22T10:53:00.001-04:00

The shower was a lot of fun. I was pretty nervous since I hate being the center of attention. M loves it, and I love having him in group settings so the focus isn't on me. I was on my own yesterday though and I not only survived, but I had fun.

We spent Friday and Saturday getting stuff done in the baby's room so that we would have a place to put our shower presents. M got the room painted and I got curtains sewed. We still need to put up the border and a couple of finishing touches. We bought a carpet and are having the edges bound which should be done this next weekend. We still don't have the bedding, but hopefully will soon.

We got a ton of clothes at the shower. Most of it was not newborn size which I am relieved about. I was almost 8 pounds, M almost 10. He is 6'5" and has always been above average size. I am assuming that our baby will be big, of course there is no way of actually knowing. Most clothes sized for newborns go up to 8 pounds. I was worried about having to exchange a bunch of clothes our baby wouldn't be able to wear, instead we got a wide variety of sizes. We also got a few items I really wanted including a pack & play and stroller. I was excited by these because had we not gotten them, I wouldn't have been able to justify buying them myself. I had a used stroller from my mom that is nice, but not very compact.

The thing I was surprised about is that we didn't get many of the basics that I had seen given at other people's showers. We only got a couple of plain onesies, 2 packages of diapers, and no bottles, sippy cups, spoons, or burp clothes. It's not a big deal because those are things we will be able to pick up pretty cheap and expected to have to buy anyway.

Our living room was a disaster last night! We had everything from the baby's room that would have been in the way for painting, along with the presents piled up. I took a picture it was so impressive. I got all the presents sorted last night and most of the clothes washed. There were a couple things I didn't take the tags off of because I wasn't sure if the item would be in season when our child fits into it. If he does, I'll wash it later. If he doesn't, I'll save it for the next child, or pass it on. I lucked out and don't plan to return or exchange anything we received. Tonight I plan to actually get everything put away. I have been reluctant to put anything in the dresser drawers because I haven't decided how I want them organized yet and I prefer to have a plan before diving in. I may just need to dive in though.

I am completely exhausted today.

Wrapping up the Week

2007-10-19T12:20:00.000-04:00

I've had several posts going in my head and no chance to get them out. Here are shortened versions of each:

Are you familiar with the hymn, "It is Well With My Soul"? It was written in the 1800s by Horatio Spafford. He owned several pieces of real estate in Chicago and lost all of it during the fire. After the fire, his family decided to take a vacation with famed evangelist Dwight Moody to England. Something came up and Horatio did not join his family on the voyage. A bad storm came about and all 4 of his daughters were lost at sea. One story claims that as the ship he took to join his wife crossed over the site of the storm, he penned that hymn.

M & K had this song at J's memorial service. It was the first time the words really hit me. When I needed comfort after losing our baby, I often thought of this song and wondered when everything would be well with my soul.

K is a very creative type and extremely artistic and talented. On Sunday she gave me a present. It was a framed version of this hymn along with a dedication to our lost baby. It is beautiful. It was such a sweet gesture. She had intended to give it to us on his due date, but it didn't happen. Today things are definitely better with my soul than they were 7 months ago. I still have my days, but I am getting better.

~~~~

On Tuesday as I pulled into the driveway from class, I noticed the TV was on. I was upset that M was watching TV when there is so much that needs to be done around the house. When I walked in the door, he was in the process of folding laundry. He had also fixed the drippy faucet in the bathroom, cleaned the bathroom, and replaced the shower head. He had done the dishes, AND he put another coat of paint on the baby's dresser. I gotta love having a husband that not only does stuff around the house, he goes out of his way to do stuff for me.

~~~~
Sunday is my shower. I have managed not to check my registry since I posted that I had been looking at it. I think it will be fun. C (one of my closet friends) won't be there, but several other friends will be. M plans to paint the baby's room tomorrow morning and get the crib set up. Once that is done, we will have the room ready for shower presents.

My mom and sisters live too far away to make it to the shower which is kind of disappointing. I told them about it anyway on the off chance they might find a cheap plane ticket. My mother in law will be there though. This will be really out of her element so I think it is special she is coming. She won't know anyone there except me (and a friend of hers who may or may not be coming). She generally doesn't like hanging around groups of other women either, and she is not the type to coo over baby things. I think she will enjoy seeing others who are excited about her first grandchild though.

Have a great weekend!

It still takes my breath away

2007-10-18T10:12:00.001-04:00

We have this program at work that if you log your healthy habits, you get a $15 per month award. Every so often a student will contact you to go over your responses to the survey. On Tuesday I got my call. The young guy says "I see since the last time we spoke to you in March you had a healthy pregnancy and baby." I barely squeaked out, "No, I lost that pregnancy." He was mortified and had no idea how to respond. He asked a couple more questions and then promised to update my records before hanging up. My breath was gone for several minutes after I hung up

The last time I got called, it was shortly after I had filled out the survey that I was pregnant. The survey doesn't ask when you are due, just if you are pregnant. When the girl called in March I only told her I was no longer pregnant, and that I was trying to lose weight. I didn't tell her how my pregnancy ended.

Then yesterday I got my flu shot. I double checked with the nurses that it was safe since I wasn't at my OBs office. The nurse responded that not only was it safe, it is recommended. Then she asked if this was my first. I responded, "yes". I felt like I was lying though. I didn't want to go into details with these strangers, but technically this isn't my first. This is the first child I will have the opportunity to raise into adulthood, but this is not my first. She asked an innocent question, and I obsessed about my answer all day.

One of my fears is that after I deliver, all my friends and family will forget that I was pregnant before. I guess I am worried that they think I should be over it. For the most part I think that is what they think. I have a couple friends who are sensitive to this, but neither my family nor M's is.

I guess there will always be a part of me grieving and that is OK. I guess that is part of why having a blog is so helpful. Others who understand can be there for me when my real life people can't.

My Secret

2007-10-16T10:10:00.001-04:00

Last week when we were at a consignment shop, I saw the diaper pails I plan to use for $5.50. I decided to take the $30 brand new one I had registered for off my registries. That way no one would spend money on something I could get much cheaper elsewhere. When I logged in to one of the registries I saw an item had been purchased. I was kind of surprised since it was over a week until my first shower, I figured most people do their shopping last minute.

M commented to me one day that he was surprised I hadn't been checking the registries. Normally I prefer to be surprised. I don't even want the slightest hint at a gift for me. However, I haven't been able to resist checking the registries over the past couple days. It is fun seeing what disappears. I have to stop looking or I won't be surprised at all at my shower. I guess I can't help myself.

In Memory

2007-10-15T11:03:00.000-04:00

My candle is burning in memory of the baby we lost on February 25.

It is also burning in memory of people I know in real life who have recently lost little ones:

M & K lost their son J on November 30
Z & M December 2
J & M lost March 23
C & C on September 13 and January 25

2007-10-12T13:02:00.000-04:00

Last night before I went to sleep, I was lying still while little guy was moving a lot. Sometimes his movements are so strong I wonder if he'll hurt himself, however, I enjoy his movements because to me it means he is OK.

Although I can feel movement, I have no idea what is moving. My belly is lopsided, so I assume the majority of his body is to the right of my belly button. The nurse thinks he is probably head down with his back towards the outside of my belly because of where she found his heartbeat last. However, I haven't ever been able to figure out which part of his body is where. During the past week I have started to feel shapes so I try to guess how he is positioned, but it is purely a guess. The feelings are always real general and very hard to describe. I can't feel much on the outside of my belly except some random movements if I have my hand in the right place at the right time. Last night little guy paused during his movements and something was poking out by my belly button. I put my hand there and was able to determine it was a knee or an elbow. He stayed still long enough that I could "hold" him for a minute or two. It was really a special moment. It is amazing how much joy these little things can bring me. M was washing dishes and missed it, hopefully it will happen again.

I am getting better...

2007-10-11T11:49:00.000-04:00

How do I know? Little things help. Last night at church we were talking about prayer. In the new testament, John 15 for example, we are promised that God listens to and answers our prayers. I used to love those verses but since February I have grown to hate those verses because I feel like God rejected me when we lost our baby. Last night though, I was able to listen to the speaker and not cry. I still don't understand how those verses apply to me, but for once I was able to not focus on my individual situation. My faith has definitely been tested, but I do still have faith.

We bought a crib. Actually we had a crib we found on craigslist, but now we have a different one. Yesterday while searching for a hat for little guy to come home from the hospital in, we found a crib we like better. I was able to picture him in his crib, in his room and not be sad.

As we receive/ buy clothes for little guy, I am washing them. When some came through the laundry last night, I was excited thinking about him wearing those clothes some day.

I have been doodling his name. I call him by name when I pray, and it seems OK.

I have a list of who the birth announcements will be sent too.

I have a plan for who we will call, and when, once I go into labor and after he is born.

These are all little steps, but 3 months ago, I would never had imagined I would be feeling this much better.

PAM is Back

2007-10-10T08:29:00.000-04:00

The online support group, Pregnancy After Miscarriage (PAM), is back up and running. If you are wanting to learn more about trying to conceive or your current pregnancy after experiencing a miscarriage, this is the site for you. It has been down for a couple months, but I found it really helpful in the days following my miscarriage. There is a lot of information and there are many people who have been through what you are going through.

Almost forgot

2007-10-08T13:15:00.000-04:00

On Friday I saw my OB again. Everything with little guy is looking good. His heart rate is 148 bpm, and I am measuring correctly.

I signed up for the childbirth classes, we start in 2 weeks. I think that will help alleviate some of my fears. I didn't get to talk my OB about pain relief during labor, but I'll ask on my next visit. She gave me plenty of time to ask all the questions I wanted, but I just got emotional and decided that I should wait until another visit. I had a chance to talk to her about some other concerns. The first was that I heard a rumor she wouldn't induce until you are 2 weeks overdue. I found out she will induce you whether you want to be or not once you are 2 weeks overdue. She said as long as everything is OK with the baby, she'll induce me anytime I am ready once I reach 37 weeks. If I want to go into labor on my own, she'll let me do that too. As much as I like plans and schedules, that makes me really happy. I'm not sure I want to be induced early, but I like that it is up to me.

The second thing that really concerns me is the umbilical cord issue. My friend K lost her son at 37 weeks due to a cord accident. Normally my doctor doesn't do an ultrasound after 20 weeks. She said with the situation with K and my ITP she feels like she can justify it and will probably do an ultrasound at 36 weeks. She didn't promise, but I think she'll do it. I am happy that we will know for sure everything is OK in advance. What a relief!

My revelation

2007-10-08T09:05:00.000-04:00

Chris reminded me in her comments that it doesn't matter how quickly we heal because everyone is different. Thanks Chris! I still want to explain why I feel like I am having trouble.

My parents divorced when I was 7. My mom, Ann, just up and left. She didn't say goodbye, give us a hug or anything. It was the day before Mother's Day. We didn't hear from her again for 3 or 4 days.

She completely changed after she left, but it is hard for me to describe how. For the first year after she left, we went to her apartment every other weekend for visitation. We hated it. We weren't allowed to bring our toys, bikes, or books. When we were there, she mostly read her romance novels or left us to watch TV in her bedroom. Rarely did she spend time with us. We fixed our own meals, went to bed when we wanted, and got up when we wanted. I don't think there were any rules.

Sometime shortly after my dad remarried, Ann disappeared for the first time. After a few months, we started missing her really bad and Mom (my step-mom) found her for us. She was living in another state and had remarried. After Mom got in touch with her, Ann sent us kids letters for awhile, usually filled with stuff about how we never wrote to her. We would dutifully write back, including artwork, school pictures, etc., only to eventually have the mail "returned to sender, no forwarding address". The disappearances became longer and longer sometimes a couple of years. It got to the point that I began calling her by her first name.

She would sometimes show up at our doorstep unannounced. The summer after 8th grade she showed up and wanted to take us to Oklahoma to spend the summer with her. She didn't call or write first, just showed up. I refused to go. My brother and sister went for 2 weeks. Their experience told me I was glad I didn't go.

She would show up at other times unannounced and expecting us to drop everything to hang out with her. My baptism was the first, we were planning on going to my grandmothers and have a big meal to celebrate. Instead of her joining us, she insisted on taking us kids to lunch. I went even though I didn't want to. She showed up the morning of my high school graduation the same way. I would change my plans to be with her, so I wouldn't hurt her feelings and then I wouldn't hear from her for months. She never seemed to care about my feelings.

Later in life I found out she wasn't ready to me a mom when I was born. I am told that after I was born the nurse handed me to her, and she looked at the nurse and said, "what do I do now?" My Mom tells me about a time before Ann left that they were both at the ice skating rink watching the kids skate. Ann turned to my Mom and said, "Do you ever regret having kids?" Mom vaguely even knew who Ann was. They attended the same church but had different friends. Mom said she never forgot that and thought it was strange a person she barely knew would say something like that.

I have worked a long time to forgive Ann, most of the time I feel like I have. Other times, the hurt seems so fresh that I wonder how I could forgive her. She is bipolar, her life growing up was not great, she never wanted to have children but had 3 by age 25. I guess the day she left, she had finally cracked. Part of me feels really sorry for her.

Ever since she left, I have had difficulty forming relationships with other people. Even my friends never really knew me because I wouldn't let them. I was too scared to get close to anyone else and have them leave me.

M changed that. He was persistent, patient, and kind. He knew how to allow me to trust him. He helped me heal and because of him I have been able to develop friendships with other people.

So, all that leads me to why I think I have had such a hard time healing from my loss. When I found out I was expecting, I immediately started thinking about that baby. I imagined a life with him and then it was all taken away. I know it is cliche to blame your parents for your problems, but I really feel like my feelings stem from Ann leaving. Now I just need to figure out how to heal.

October 15

2007-10-05T08:24:00.000-04:00

Last night I had a revelation why my miscarriage seems to be bothering me more than most other people seem bothered by theirs. It seems that I identify and am healing more similarly to those who have experienced multiple losses. I planned out a long post explaining this and asking for opinions. Today I am too emotional to actually write down the post and I need to write it when I'm not emotional. I'll post on it later.

Instead I'll remind you (or make you aware) that October 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. If you would like more information about this day check out the Share website. You can also check out the transcript from the House of Representatives from when House Resolution 222 was passed.

In my area there will be a Share Walk on October 14. The pamplet I received said that it will be a candlelit one mile walk where people can share their experience with others. I am sure there will be similar events across the country to remember the little ones we lost. If you haven't experienced a loss, I encourage you to do something to remember the little ones your friends or family have lost. I guess each individual is different, so make sure what you do is appropriate for the individual. Personally I would appreciate a quick e-mail or note letting me know that my friends are thinking of me. For others, they may appreciate you attending the Share Walk with them.

If you are interested in purchasing car magnets or other gifts for a friend, www.october15.com has a variety of items. The woman who operates this site experienced 6 miscarriages and was instrumental in getting House Resolution 222 passed. I ordered some car magnets for myself and some friends and received them pretty quickly. I have been too shy to pass them out, but I do have one on my Jeep.

To my lurkers, thanks for saying hi. It is amazing to me how many people are actually interested in what I have to say. For those of you too shy to say hi, thanks for stopping by anyway. You can e-mail me at: rachel dot runner at gmail dot com if you wish. That is not my primary e-mail address, so if I don't respond right away, be patient.

Everyone have a great weekend!

Rachel

Delurking A Day Late

2007-10-04T10:14:00.001-04:00

I missed this yesterday, but if you are a lurker, please leave me a comment saying hi. Thanks!

P.S. I don't condone profanity, but the button has it, so please pretend the button just says, "the great delurk"

Sweet Moments

2007-10-04T08:44:00.000-04:00

Last night I was sitting on the couch, rubbing my belly because it itched and I caught M staring at me, he told me how cute I looked.

When I laugh by belly button, which now sticks out more than normal, gets really hard and round like a marble, M laughing at me laughing, making me laugh harder.

Going for a walk last night and having a kitten follow us for a couple blocks. I don't even really like cats, but she seemed really sweet.

Every night M telling me how excited he is and how he can't wait to meet little guy.

Waking up in the middle of the night and while struggling to find my slippers, M rubbing my back instinctively, assuming I must be in pain.

Being reminded every day how much M loves me and realizing how much he is going to love our son.

M comforting me that yes, we will have a baby that lives, even though he was really tired and just wanted to go to bed.

Scared of Delivery

2007-10-03T12:43:00.000-04:00

My dad is a college professor and as kids we used to love going to his office with him. Next to his office was a big lecture hall with elevated seating, chalkboards on tracks that moved, and overhead projectors to play with. We loved getting to run wild in that room on the rare times we were there after regular office hours.

One evening when I was about 8, we went up to campus with dad fully expecting to get to play in that room. Instead some sort of EMT class was going on and they were showing a birthing video. Normally if a class was going on, we had to sit quietly in my dad's office waiting for him to finish up his work. That night we got to sit in on the COLLEGE class. We thought we were big stuff. Looking back, I kind of wonder if the single father of 2 girls knew that class was going on and figured it would be a way for him to avoid the uncomfortable facts of life talk later on. Anyway, I still remember that video and seeing the baby being born, and I have been scared of childbirth ever since.

Before getting pregnant I joked with friends that I would adopt my children just to avoid having to give birth. After experiencing the physical pain of my miscarriage, my fear of the pain of delivering a full term baby has intensified. If a less than 1 ounce baby hurt that much, how much does a 6-8 pound baby hurt?

The expectant friend I'm not excited for recently reminded me of the 3 people we know who have delivered in the past 2 years who have had epidural troubles. The most recent had nerve damage and despite delivering in July, just recently was allowed to return to work although she is on restrictions due to nerve damage from the epidural. Yes, I know this is rare, but I didn't need the reminder.

Last night I was reading in my pregnancy books about pain management during labor and about the alternatives to the epidural, but none sound great. I really don't want to be in pain, but I am scared of the process used to help with the pain. I was in tears telling M how scared I was. Granted, pregnancy hormones mean I cry about everything, but it had been at least 24 hours since I cried last.

This morning M sent me an e-mail that the wife of his coworker had delivered a baby boy last night. She was scheduled for a c-section next week, about 2 weeks prior to her due date. Apparently Monday night the baby had gotten up onto her lungs and was causing her to vomit. The mother and baby are both OK now, but the husband was pretty scared for awhile. Now I have another thing to worry about.

My fear probably has more to do with lack of education than anything else. I see my OB on Friday so I'll talk to her about my fears then. I know that there are ways to manage the pain, and she can help me decide the best way. I also know that the chances of me having problems are probably minimal. I guess I just need to hope for the best.

2007-10-02T09:34:00.000-04:00

I have a friend who is in med school and currently on her OB rotation. I saw her over the weekend for the first time in about a month. The first thing she said to me was, "you're not going to such-n-such clinic, are you?" That was my old clinic. I guess I am not the only one who has had problems there. She said there are a lot of problems there and she would hope no one has to go there. I am so thankful that I was able to change doctors.

Last night I had a burst of energy and got the floors vacuumed and mopped. I got the dishes done and 2 loads of laundry washed, dried, AND folded. I also got all my shoes cleaned out of the front closet so we can store the car seat and stroller there. I am not sure where the energy came from, but I am glad to have accomplished so much.

Our house is tiny (1100 square feet) and it is feeling smaller each day. It was perfect for the 2 people and 2 dogs, but with a baby coming priorities change. We regularly get rid of stuff so it isn't like we are pack rats, but I am beginning to wonder where the baby stuff will go. I am trying hard to go through stuff again, reorganize the closets, etc., so that we have room to put baby stuff in our house. I refuse to rent a storage unit, but we may have to. We just don't have room to store my grandmother's china or our old kitchen table until we upgrade our house in 3 or 4 years.

I am excited about 2 showers I have coming up, one thrown by my church on the 21st, and one thrown by some girls at work in Nov. 3. I think both will be a lot of fun, and maybe justify renting a storage unit.

Monday

2007-10-01T16:20:00.001-04:00

This weekend I found out 2 friends are expecting. They each have a 19 month old right now. It sounds terrible, but I am only excited for 1 of them. The friend I am excited for we are really close to, she and her husband are almost like family. Their baby is due at the end of May and will be in the same grade as our son.

The friend I am not excited for is a bit self centered. She thinks the world revolves around her which is a little strange for a girl who has 3 younger siblings. It also seems like everything goes perfectly for her. Her and her husband started trying in August because the baby would be born right before the end of the school year and her husband would be home all summer to help her out. She practically told me the day they started trying and the reason that was when they were trying. I sort of hoped it would take a couple of months just so she knew what it feels like when your plans don't work the way you want them to. Of course it worked perfect for her, just like everything else does. I am not sure why this bothers me so much. Maybe because I wanted her to ask me how I was doing, how I was doing with my loss, how hard it has been to be excited when I am scared to death. Anyway, I know I am being selfish and I need to get over it.

I saw Mrs. C this weekend. She is acting like nothing happened as far as her loss. M talked to Mr. C yesterday. He said that Mrs. C is having a really hard time and not dealing with the loss very well at all. I know that I am not the best person to be comforting her right now, I just wish I could. She did let me give her a hug, but it was strange how detached she seemed. I guess I would be too if I had lost 2 babies in the last 7 months.

I just checked out the bakery's website today and they finally have one of my cakes posted. I did this one about a month ago and I am pretty proud of it. It is the only one that I did that's on the website, but at least they picked a good one.

(Photo removed)

More thoughts on new research

2007-09-28T08:48:00.000-04:00

I never could find the journal article I posted about yesterday. I did find several other news articles and realized that the percent increase the authors are quoting is less than 4%. That is hardly anything. I could increase my risk by 4% because I sneezed too much.

Truthfully I understand my miscarriage was not my fault, I just wish I had an answer as to why it had to happen. I realize I won't have an answer until I meet God and by then I may not care anymore.

New Research

2007-09-27T08:10:00.000-04:00

According to new research intense exercise can lead to an increased risk of miscarriage. I didn't exercise 7 hours a week with my first pregnancy, but I probably did run 4-5 hours per week. Is that why I lost my baby?

I have not read the journal article yet, I do know that it is always dangerous to take the interpretation of a journal article as gospel so I can't jump to any conclusions yet. My doctor told me it was OK to exercise at the same levels that I had been prior to pregnancy, was she wrong?

Hypothetical

2007-09-26T12:10:00.000-04:00

My life as a parent has not turned out the way I expected it to. I expected to be done having kids at age 30, not just get started. I planned to have 4, 2 boys and 2 girls. There was supposed to be a set of identical twins in there too. I never would have lost a baby, had morning sickness, weird pregnancy rashes, or trouble brushing my teeth.

Back when you still thought if you wanted to become a parent, you'd be pregnant the next month and have a perfect pregnancy, what were your plans?

Weight Lifted

2007-09-25T08:09:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I guess our little ceremony helped me more than I thought it would. Maybe we should have done it sooner.

Last night I made a small blanket and finished a couple more bibs for the little guy. As soon as I get the rest of the bibs done, I am going to post a picture. It kind of seems silly, but making these bibs is really helping me get more excited about his pending arrival. Each one takes about 20 minutes to make, but the fact that it is something I am making specifically for him seems to help. The first couple I made out of fabric that was left over from baby blankets for other people. Then I bought a bunch of fabric just for our son. Those are the ones that are giving me the most satisfaction.

I still want to make a really nice blanket for him. I found some really soft off-white material, I am going to embroider his name on it and possibly put a couple appliques on it. I think it will make a really nice keepsake. Part of making all the bibs is to freshen up my sewing skills so that the blanket will turn out nicer. I tend to get in a hurry and try to get things done instead of pay attention to details. Later I'll notice a crocked line and regret not having torn the seam out and redone it right away. So far I have made 9 bibs and each is a little nicer than the last. Of course to M's eye, the quality looks about the same in all of them.

We have 11 weeks to go, the room isn't done, and my energy is waning. We need to get busy!

It went well

2007-09-24T09:48:00.000-04:00

Sunday was a pretty good day considering. I did get teary eyed, but I was stressed out leading up to the day for nothing.

We slept in, stopped at Starbucks, then geocached our way down to the town where M's grandfather is buried. We bought some yellow daisies to put at the grave. The cemetery is in a really small town and there were no trees so I felt pretty conspicuous. These 2 old ladies gawked at us and drove past us 2 or 3 times and I was about to tell M to just forget it. I didn't like the feeling of being stared at when we really just needed some private time. The women left and I calmed down. We buried the box and letters. I also put a stuffed lamb and a couple pictures of us in the box. We prayed and I cried and then came we home. I think it was good thing that we did.

Later we found out that M's parents own the grave site next to his grandfather's and we could have used that site. We can have the headstone engraved if we want to, I am not sure that we will though. When his grandfather died, they purchased the second site in case his grandmother wanted to be buried there. His grandparents had been divorced for a few years before he died, but I guess they thought she may change her mind later. She has since remarried.

M did something very sweet for me. He had a frame engraved with yesterday's date, and framed the poem, "I'll Hold You in Heaven". He had printed the poem off my blog and had been planning this since April or May. It brought tears to my eyes of course, but it is a special reminder that we will always have of that day.

Overall it was as good a day as it could be. I am ready to move on.

September 23rd

2007-09-21T09:51:00.000-04:00

I have been thinking about this post in my head for a long time now. I don't really want it to be sad, but I am afraid it will be. I also want to be honest and not hide my feelings.

The first child M and I conceived was supposed to be perfect. I know all children are supposed to be perfect, but things just really fell into place for us. I got pregnant pretty much the first time we actually tried. I had been off birth control for a few months hoping to get pregnant, but that was the first time we actually tried.

We conceived on New Year's Eve or Day a significant point in our relationship because that was when M first asked me to go out with him. We found out we were expecting on a day we were both off work and had nothing else going on. It was so sweet when I walked into the office with a huge smile on my face and M knew instantly what the smile meant. We immediately when to the bookstore and I got a pregnancy book and he got a book about being a father. We spent the rest of the day with goofy smiles on our faces, reading, and exclaiming "we're going to have a baby" to each other randomly.

I had no horrible pregnancy symptoms. Our baby's due date according to an online site was September 23, the 11th anniversary of our first date to our senior homecoming. We couldn't have planned it better if we were trying.

I would complete my first trimester in time to announce the pregnancy to our families on my father in-law's birthday. This would be my in-laws first grandchild. I would have been 20 weeks the Monday after M's graduation and my family would have been in town so that we could tell them in person the gender of their 3rd grandchild. Like I said everything was going to be perfect.

Prior to getting pregnant, I had lost weight, got back into running, finally gotten to travel overseas, quit caffeine. While in Ireland on a bus tour I didn't even take Dramamine while driving through the mountains just in case it would be harmful to our future child, a sacrifice because I get car sick very easily. M was about to graduate and we would have time before the child arrived to save up some money. We had waited until we were old enough and responsible enough to become parents. We waited until we both had completed school. We waited until we had been married long enough to really build a strong marriage and gotten to enjoy each others company.

I had been praying for this baby for several years. I prayed for a healthy pregnancy and delivery. I prayed that the baby would inherit all of M's best and my best traits and none of our worst. I believed that all things asked for in prayer would be given to me. Unfortunately, as perfect as everything seemed, that baby was not meant to be. I do not understand God's plan.

This weekend or sometime in the next few days I should be holding my first child. Instead M and I will be visiting his grandfather's grave to bury the letters we wrote to our child and the box he was carried to the hospital in. We hope to gain some closure about our loss. We also hope to spend some time alone being happy, I am so tired of being sad. I know we will never forget this baby, but it is time to be joyful about the child we will hold soon.

Normally M and I say "happy 23rd" to each other the 23rd of every month. I am not sure this Sunday will be a happy 23rd, but there will be some good things about that day.

More zoo pictures

2007-09-20T08:33:00.001-04:00

I wasn't able to put all my favorite pictures in one post, so here are the rest. I think I took 300 photos that day, so I just picked some of the best.
Just your average turtle.
A "white" lion. It took FOREVER to get my camera to cooperate when she yawned. Apparently laying around all day is quite tiring.
This picture was taken through the safety glass, so it has a greenish tint. I think the lions were my favorite. I usually like the bears the best, but it was too hot for them the day we went to the zoo.

Obviously this is not a zoo picture. The dogs loved sharing their futon with my brother. I think they wish M and I would share it with them every night. When the little guy gets older, we may let the dogs sleep with him.

Zoo pictures

2007-09-20T08:19:00.000-04:00

This couple's lawsuit upsets me. If I have learned anything in recent months, it is that having 2 embryos implanted does not always guarantee a baby, much less two. I am sorry that they only wanted one child and ended up with two. They could have placed one for adoption after they were born if they were concerned about the amount of work. Instead they waited until they are 3 and then sued the doctor for implanting 2 embryos. If those children ever find out what their parents did, they will feel very unloved. I know the names aren't mentioned, but if I saw the back of my mom on TV, or her picture only from the neck down, I would still know it is her.

Anyway, I am still trying to be positive. I am posting some pictures from my brother's trip, not sure why it took so long for me to get around to it.

Brother walking through the mist walkway, set up to help you cool off.
This mama gorilla was fun to watch. It took forever to get this shot.
The baby gorilla was cute as can be, I got video of him playing on that vine. The mama just sat by while he played.
The gardens at the zoo are gorgeous!

I have no idea what kind of bird this is, but he (?) sat forever and let me take a lot of pictures.

Trying to Be Positive

2007-09-19T11:03:00.000-04:00

I think I have been kind of whiny lately so today I am going to be positive.

Things I can be happy about:

The air conditioning in my office is FINALLY fixed! It was actually in the 70's in my office this morning for the first time in a month.
We can afford for me to stay home with our little guy.
My husband is supportive of whatever decision I make regarding continuing to work or staying home.
My boss is flexible about whatever decision I make regarding work.
It is gorgeous outside today!
I have less than 3 months to go until I will have a child.
M's boss went ahead and gave him a week of vacation after 6 months instead of making him wait a year to get his 2 weeks. That means he will be able to take time off with pay once the little guy arrives.
I have wonderful friends both in real life and in blog world who are very supportive and know the right things to say when I do get down on myself.
I haven't cried once today.
I didn't cry during class last night when the professor made an insensitive comment about spontaneous abortion (I hate that word). I even came up with a plan about how to approach him on his comment (very NOT my style). More on that later.

Slightly Emotional

2007-09-18T10:26:00.000-04:00

So I have pretty much been crying way more than normal. I cried most of Friday and Saturday. Sunday and yesterday it was just off and on. M keeps asking what it wrong and all I can say is everything. Everything is making me cry.

I cry because I grabbed the wrong ingredient out of the cabinet. I cry because I am sad about other people losing their babies. I cry because I am hungry, I cry because I ate too much. I cry because I look fat. I cry because the baby kicked me in the rib. I can't seem to stop. I am sure that it is pregnancy hormones but I feel like a freak. I am trying hard to be rational but it just doesn't seem possible. I guess the zoloft was helping a lot more than I thought it was.

On Saturday at the grocery store I ran into someone I knew. She asked how the baby's room was coming and I told her it still pretty much looked like a storage room. She asked if I was getting excited and I started crying. I told her I was but that it was really hard. She knows about the miscarriage, but I don't know her well enough for her to know the extent of my grief.

I saw Mr. C. Saturday night, he looked really distraught. Both M and I gave him a big hug and offered to bring them a meal or to watch their kids so he and Mrs. C can have some time alone. He said right now Mrs. C. is really angry and trying to focus on everything except the loss. I can identify with that. I really hate that they lost their baby.

Yesterday prior to my doctor's appointment I was convinced something was wrong with the baby. I had woken up about 3am to go to the bathroom and when I sat up I felt this tearing feeling in my lower abdomen. It hurt really bad! After that I didn't feel the baby move again until the middle of my appointment. I just knew my baby was dead. I relaxed after they found the heartbeat. The doctor said the pain was either round ligament pain or the baby kicking a nerve. I didn't find that very comforting, but I am glad the little guy is OK.

Sad news (about a friend)

2007-09-14T09:09:00.000-04:00

On January 25, I sent this message to M. It was exactly 1 month before we lost our baby.

Hey,

I am really consumed with C & C losing their baby. I have a sick feeling in my stomach. Like a knot caused by stress. All the online stuff says there is a 10-25% chance of miscarriage and if it happens before 14 weeks it is almost always due to an abnormality. It is just really bothering me especially after Z & M and M & K lost their babies.

I know there is nothing I can do, but I can't help but sit here and wonder if I am taking care of myself properly. Also, I am not sure if I could handle it if something happened. I love you.

M responded:
1) I know that we could handle it together. God would give us the strength.
2) 10-25% means that every time another baby is lost improves our chances for NOT losing ours, not the other way around...I'm not trying to be cold-hearted, I'm just looking at the probabilities, and they are in our favor right now.
3)You ARE taking care of yourself properly, you always do. You take better care of yourself when you aren't pregnant than most people EVER do

Unfortunately we did lose the baby. I don't even know what prompted me to write that, I had only known I was pregnant for a week and had no indication something was wrong. M was right that we could handle it.

2 or 3 weeks ago I found out that C & C were expecting again. They did not tell their other children about this pregnancy even after the 5 year old said to his mom, "Mom, your belly is getting fat, is there a baby in there?" I saw her on Sunday and she already had a rounded pregnancy belly. The kids had known about the last pregnancy and it was hard to tell them the baby had died.

Yesterday, C & C lost this baby too. She was 14 weeks and everything had been going well. I found out while at work and almost had to go home. I don't understand why this family is not allowed to have another child. Yes, they have 3 children already. That doesn't mean they shouldn't be blessed with a 4th child. Her first 3 pregnancies were all uneventful. Now she has to lose 2 babies while in the 2nd trimester? She doesn't deserve that!

This makes me mad...

2007-09-13T10:35:00.000-04:00

Certain people should not be allowed to be parents. The mother of an 8 month old left her baby in the care of her boyfriend. The boyfriend, I assume in a moment of frustration, stuffed baby wipes down the baby's throat. The poor child is now in serious condition at the children's hospital. Both the boyfriend and the mother are now in police custody but I am sure whatever charges they face will not be enough.

Emotional

2007-09-13T10:22:00.000-04:00

I have been completely off the zoloft since Sunday. Today I start my step down off prednisone. I think the timing is a bit unfortunate to be coming off both. Next Sunday is the due date of our first baby. The last time I was on prednisone for a stretch of time, I became extremely emotional while stepping down. My doctor warned me that I would probably be that way coming off the zoloft too. That combined with the first baby's due date may cause me to be an emotional wreck for the next few days. I guess if it gets too bad, I'll just stay home from work and grieve.

M just started working with a trainer and part of the process is sitting in this device that measures percentage body fat. The trainer asked him to remove his wedding band in order to get more accurate results and M refused. M hasn't removed his wedding band since we lost the baby. He used to fiddle with it all the time and not taking it off is part of his way of remembering the baby. Anyway, when he refused the trainer could tell that it was a big deal didn't push the issue. When M got home last night he was relaying the story to me and tears just started streaming down my face.

I haven't been that emotional in awhile. Then last night before falling asleep I was crying again. I am trying not to dwell on the fact that sometime in the next week I should have been meeting my first child, but I am struggling not to. I am really lucky that I will still have a child in the next few months, but I guess I will never get over losing that first one.

Shoes and dreams

2007-09-12T11:35:00.001-04:00

I love my husband! Last night when I got home from class, he had gotten me flowers for no reason. I love that kind of surprise.

Something no one tells you about pregnancy is that how quickly you can go from being able to tie your shoes to not being able to reach your feet. Last night we were headed out for a walk and I couldn't tie my shoes! Only a couple days before I had no problems tying my shoes. Eventually I got them tied, but not before rolling around on the couch like an egg.

Another thing I heard about pregnancy but didn't realize until I experienced it is how vivid and strange the dreams are. I have always had vivid and weird dreams so I didn't expect much to change with pregnancy. Last night I had the worst dream ever in which M was murdered very gruesomely by a serial killer while a room full of our friends sat inside a house. The killer looked just like one of our ministers although somehow I knew it wasn't really him. When the police came they tried to say M hurt the killer instead of the other way around. No one would listen to my version about it because they thought I was trying to protect M. I was so glad to finally wake up and have M sleeping next to me. I told him I really needed a hug and he put his arm around me which was so comforting after a terrible dream. This morning though he had no recollection of that, I guess it was all coincidence. I don't watch scary movies so I have no idea how some of the details of the dream worked into my imagination. Hopefully I won't have any more bad dreams.

Sept. 11

2007-09-11T10:32:00.000-04:00

Today is September 11, a day many people will never forget. For those people directly affected by this tragedy, I said a prayer for you this morning. I can't imagine how difficult it was for you to lose a loved one in such a terrible way. I know how much I have grieved for my baby that I had not even known about for 3 months, how much more you must have grieved for your spouse, child, sibling, or friend. I hope that today has some how turned into a positive in your life.
~~~
I can't figure out how to get the fancy pink box, but you can click the link below to see it.

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_iAXC3whppTc/Rt64zxP8lPI/AAAAAAAAAVI/pNWKWuzUNP4/s1600-h/rockin_girl_blogger.jpg

I was nominated by Chris for the Rockin' Girl Blogger Award. Thanks Chris! Now to return the favor, here are my 5 nominees in alphbetical order (I tried not to nominate people that were nominated by others previously):

Elizabeth for her intellegence and quick wit.

Kilikina because she is positive despite losing 2 little ones. Here's hoping baby number 3 makes it!

Mandolyn for being one of the first people to support me after losing my baby. Her story of her loses and now precious daughter gave me hope when I really needed it.

Melanie for being supportive in my grieving process when she has lost a little one of her own.

Tiffany for her positive reassurance and comments after my loss. I don't think she actually has a blog, but I still appreciate her.

Big Steps

2007-09-10T08:14:00.000-04:00

This weekend was good, I made 2 big steps. The first is that I made a bib for the baby. I had some Curious George fabric left over from a baby blanket I made for a friend about 3 years ago. There was just enough left to make a small bib and it turned out pretty cute. I also dug out all the fabric I had laying around that I can use for the little guy. Then Friday night I stopped in the fabric store and actually picked out fabric with this baby in mind. I did get teary eyed, but I did it. He is going to have a selection of adorable bibs and blankets when I get finished.

The second big step is that I finished registering in the store, and I didn't cry or get emotional. M and I both got a gun to scan items so we wouldn't have to share. We already have a lot of the big stuff so mostly we registered for the basics plus clothes, toys, and books. We both had a good time.

Moving on

2007-09-07T14:00:00.000-04:00

Last night when I was driving home, I realized part of the reason I have not made anything or started painting anything for the baby was because I didn't want to put effort into a child we might lose. Owning some clothes that were purchased doesn't seem as harsh as having a room full of personal touches if we lose this baby. When M and I went for a walk last night, I told him I had that thought and as I was saying it I realized that I no longer live each day in fear of losing the baby. Maybe I just needed to admit it to someone else so I could move on.

He said when we first discovered I was pregnant again, he assumed we would lose this baby too. He was really worried about the fact that I didn't have a period in between pregnancies especially after the doctor emphasized waiting. I knew my fear was huge, but I had no idea how scared M was too. Since our 19 week ultrasound, we have both been feeling so much better. I still worry about something going wrong, but in a different sort of way than before. I guess my fears now are more like people who have had "normal" pregnancies.

I made a big step today. It is slow at work, so I got started on my registry. I'll still have to go to the store to add some things, but it was actually fun picking out what we will need. I guess this weekend I could get started on painting the dresser and book shelf. Once the dresser is painted, I can start putting blankets and clothes in it. I think I'll leave painting the room to M. He is a much better painter than me.

Here is a link to the bedding I think we are going to use. I think it looks a lot better in person than in this picture, but I really like it.

Thanks to Chris for nominating me for Rocking Blogger Girl! That was really sweet. I am going to pass on the honor to 5 people on Monday. Have a good weekend everyone.

Exercise

2007-09-06T13:22:00.000-04:00

I am not one of those stick thin girls. I never have been and never will be. I am conscientious about eating right and exercising. I am not perfect about it, but I am aware of how to eat properly and exercise regularly with good form. Recently though I have been slacking off.

I have had a lot of food aversions, so I just eat whatever I can. Thankfully that is usually lots of fruits.

I have also had trouble exercising. Partly due to pregnancy I think, but mostly due to depression from the miscarriage. In the days following our loss I would go to the gym at the university and be surrounded by these size 4, 18 and 19 year olds and just feel like a fat blob. Even though exercise made me fell better, I quit going to the gym.

Since then I have been walking, I am forced to because I have to park so far from my building, but beyond that I have been sort of lazy. During June and July it was nice enough out that M and I walked regularly at night. Lately though the highs have been in the 90's and it is miserable outside, so we haven't been walking.

When we were at the pet store while my brother was here, I stepped on the scale meant to weigh pets and was shocked by the number I saw. Granted, it was the end of the day, I had just eaten a HUGE lunch, and I was fully dressed, but I really don't want to gain too much weight with this pregnancy. I realized that I need to stay active not only to manage my weight gain, but also for a better labor, delivery, and recovery.

So....last night I went to the gym for the first time since March or April. I had a mini-crisis before going. It took 6 outfits before I found one that worked. Before I left I looked in the mirror and was horrified by how I looked. I actually said out loud, "Don't be hard on yourself Rachel, you are 6 months pregnant."
So I went to the gym for the first time in my life without the goal of trying to lose weight. It was difficult keeping my heart rate low enough and not to pile on the weights and do my former workout, but I did it. I am a little sore today, in the good way. It is so hard to get used to my changing body. I just hope to stay as healthy as possible mentally and physically.

P.S. So far the step down off of zoloft is going well.

Good Weekend

2007-09-04T09:59:00.001-04:00

I had a great weekend, it was so good to hang out with my brother. We went to the zoo, hiking, a movie, gardened, and just hung out. It is so strange that he is 16, almost 17. During his last long visit by himself, he was 12 and still so young. He has turned out to be a pretty considerate, polite person. He made his flights just fine.

I am not sure how he managed to get the ENTIRE bathroom wet when he took a shower, but he did. He even caused a light bulb to burn out from getting it wet, but that is really the only complaint I have about the weekend. M is glad that kids aren't born as teenagers. Not that my brother is a bad kid, but because teenagers are sort of in their own world.

Our poor dogs are going through withdrawal. My brother slept in the bed with them, cuddled with them, and just paid them a ton of attention. They get plenty of attention from M and I, but they just spent 4 days having their ears scratched and getting extra treats. When we got home from taking my brother to the airport the dogs ran in the house and immediately started looking for him instead of us.

On the baby front, things are going well. The little guy is starting to have recognizable patterns to his movements. He moves a lot first thing in the morning, around lunch, and just before bed. It is nice that his movement doesn't interrupt my sleep. I am almost through my 2nd trimester, each day is comforting that the baby is still doing OK.

(photo removed)

Plane Landed

2007-08-30T10:29:00.000-04:00

I am a ball of knots! My brother's 1st plane landed, he found his gate, and his 2nd plane is on time. In 2 hours he will be here.

It is raining, for the first time in FOREVER. Hopefully there won't be any lightening so his plane can still come in. If not, I'll be taking a drive up there.

Thursday

2007-08-30T07:49:00.000-04:00

I saw my GP yesterday. A new study involving zoloft just came out that it causes even fewer problems in unborn babies than originally expected. I still want to come off it so I am beginning the step down process. I am hoping that the combination of being medicine free and pregnancy doesn't make me go crazy. The comforting thing about the new research is that if my anxiety gets out of control, I can go back on. That is not my preference though.

I just called my brother, he found his gate and was on his plane. Since he is 16, I was worried he might have trouble, but so far so good. I reminded him to call me and to call mom as soon as his plane lands. My stomach is in knots for him. The airport he is flying out of has about 8 gates. He will be flying into a major hub for one of the big airlines. That airport has a tram and everything. I made sure he had a 2.5 hour layover just in case his plane is delayed and to give him plenty of time to find his gate. Thankfully he is not the nervous type and just goes with the flow.

On a totally different note, I just discovered a website that will convert your blog to book form. The pricing seems reasonable and once your blog is converted, you can still edit the book. Once our little guy arrives, I may convert this so that I have a record of my journey.

My Brother

2007-08-29T07:48:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow my "little" brother arrives. He is now several inches taller than me so I am trying to transition into calling him my younger brother. In preparation, I have been on a major cleaning streak to get our house ready for his visit. I really enjoyed seeing pictures of him and I guess in my mind he will probably always be about 8 years old. There is enough of an age difference between us that he does not remember a time when M and I were not together. In our wedding pictures, he is so young!

I am the oldest of 6 kids, my dad remarried when I was 9 and with that marriage I gained a mom, a sister, and a brother. I loved our family and it was about as perfect as a family could be even in our tiny house. The night I found out that Eli was on the way, I was disappointed. I actually remembering thinking, "The baby is going to ruin everything."

The first time I held him, my opinion changed. I loved him more than anyone else in the world and he became the family mascot. He is the one who completed our family and really united us because he is related to all of us. He looks like all of us in different ways and has characteristics from each of us. Even though he is 12 years younger than me, he is probably the sibling I am the closest too.

Eli's upbringing was totally different than the rest of us kids. Us older 5 all had 3 parents (2 that actually parented us) and 5 siblings. Eli has 7 parents minding his business ALL THE TIME. When he was about 12 he called me at midnight on a school night just to talk. When I asked where mom & dad were, he told me that they were asleep and that no, he didn't have homework, I sent him to bed (from across the country). As a junior in high school, the rules my parents have for him are almost non-exisitent compared to the rules I had to follow. Despite it all, he is a great kid.

He makes friends with the foreign exchange students and attempts to learn their languages. His Spanish is decent and he knows a few German, Japanese, and Chinese phrases. He works at a grocery store and whenever someone from another country comes in, he greets them in their language and carries on as much conversation with them as he can. He is also friends with some of the most popular kids in school as evidenced by his facebook page.

His number one love is animals. He has loved them since before he could walk. No, he won't be a vet. He spent a summer working for a vet and it broke his heart everytime an animal had to be put down. If anything, he will become someone like Jane Goodall, he really admires her work.

Last summer he went on a mission trip to Belieze and it really changed his life. He loved being in South America and learning about a new culture. The kids he worked with really touched his life. He would love to become a linguist and go live in some untouched part of the world and learn about new cultures, preferably one that has parrots. He probably will too.

Tomorrow he is flying in, his first trip flying without anyone else. I am so nervous for him. His layover is in a city just over an hour away, just in case he has trouble so that I am close enough to go get him. I can't wait to see him!

So true

2007-08-28T14:22:00.000-04:00

Hiccups

2007-08-28T12:47:00.000-04:00

The little guy has been moving A LOT the past couple of days. I couldn't figure out what he was doing because there is just not much space in my uterus. I heard that babies sleep a lot in the womb, but what do they do when they are awake? The movement doesn't hurt, but it does feel strange. I kind of liken it to the way a fish moves when it is pulled out of water, just kind of flopping around. The movement is also semi-rhythmic, not every second or anything, but fairly consistent. This morning I realized it was his hiccups I have been feeling. The poor little guy most be jolted all over the place because they are pretty strong. The movement is very comforting because it means he is still alive. If he goes a couple of hours and I don't notice him move, I start to worry. I guess you never quit worrying after you lose a baby.

Tonight is my first night back in class. I am really hoping that it will not be a room full of 18 and 19 year olds. I also hope that I am not too sleepy to make it until 8:30 when the class is scheduled to end.

Monday again

2007-08-27T07:49:00.000-04:00

Saturday was 6 months since we lost our baby. It was a pretty emotional day for me. I almost skipped going to the bakery, but went anyway since I knew it would help take my mind off the grief. I worked on a groom's cake shaped like Texas, a wedding cake, a guitar shaped cake, and cupcakes. It was a lot of fun. I didn't take any pictures, but still really enjoyed it.

I love my church, well actually the people there. Friday night M was working so I went without him to hang out with several other couples at our local philharmonic outdoor concert. A Beatles tribute band played with the orchestra and it was a blast. While there I spoke with the girl who lost her baby in January when she was 16 weeks.

It was good to talk about our experiences. She is expecting again, and is really nervous. She is already showing but hasn't told her kids because it was so hard to explain to them about losing the last baby.

I also spoke with one of the elders wives who is an oncologist. She is such a great person and was so comforting to me. In the past two years she has started a healing hearts ministry that serves people who have lost a loved one, experienced a divorce, or are going through another difficult time. She asked for a lot of input on how to help the women at our church who have lost a baby. She also reassured me that my original OB office did not treat me appropriately. Coming from a doctor, that felt good.

On Wednesday nights for the next 2 months our church is offering either a guided prayer time or an opportunity to do a community service project. Last week I slept through church, but the community service was donating blood so I didn't feel like I missed much. I didn't know about the prayer thing. I found out that they are praying for every single member, attendee, and visitor by name during this time. Last week they prayed for the unborn. They listed every single couple that was expecting, had lost a baby, was trying to conceive, was in the process of adopting, and those experiencing infertility by name if they knew it. To know that 50 to 75 people prayed both for the baby we lost and for the baby we are expecting was very comforting. Next week will be the children birth to age 2. It is so good to go to a church that cares so much for the people that go there and for the community around it.

Friday

2007-08-24T14:47:00.002-04:00

Today is Friday! It is hot here again, yesterday we set a record high of 97. The previous high of 96 was set in 1943. Hopefully it will cool off some before my brother gets here next week. Midwesterners are just not raised to handle these temperatures.

I have never mentioned where I live, I guess to remain somewhat private, but I live in lkajsf and have since college. Yesterday foxsports posted a nasty commentary about how hillbillyish (sp?) our state is. A New Yorker wrote the article as if he had only read about this state and never actually been here. It was unkind, hit all the stereotypes, and specifically called a manager of a local restaurant a goon. It was accompanied by a stock photo of some girls who were not terribly attractive wearing rebel flag bikinis. I am sure somewhere in the state a girl owns one, but the average girl dresses "normal". The article really hit a nerve with my husband. He sent an e-mail to the 3 VPs at newscorp, the parent company, that expressed his distaste. Within an hour he received a personal apology from one of the VPs and the article was extracted. I am sure my husband was not the only one to write in, but I am glad he received a response, and I am glad that they are not furthering the stereotype of this area.

As for the woman in my department, I guess I never posted what happened. I won't go into all the details but she told me that my chest was getting huge and that by the time I delivered I would be all hunched over. Like I mentioned before, I am self conscious about my chest and was prior to pregnancy. I didn't need my insecurities aired where the entire office could hear them. As for firing her, I am glad they didn't. She is a temporary employee so she can be let go at any time without repercussion and without following the same procedures to fire regular employees. Even though I was really offended, I did not want to get her fired. When I found out one of the higher ups in hr wanted to fire her, I got sick to my stomach. All I really wanted was to not have my chest talked about in front of the rest of the office, and for her to know it wasn't OK to make those types of comments at anytime.

I am looking forward to the weekend. I finally finished going through all the maternity clothes my friends have given me (they have saved me a TON of $$), I almost have the contents of my old dresser transferred to my new one, and I'll start working on getting the baby's room to look less like a storage area and more like a nursery.

As for the nursery, I think we are going to paint the lower half of the room with dark green chalkboard paint (like grass), the upper half light blue (like the sky), and put either chair rail or a wall paper border between the two colors. I may have my artist friend help me paint clouds on the blue part. The crib bedding I like has trains, but I figure painting the room this way would look nice whether our boy later gets into animals, sports, tools, or cars. We can just hang different pictures and change the look of the room. The chalkboard paint is because I drew on the walls incessantly as a child. It didn't matter how many spankings I got, I continued to draw on the walls. I am really hoping our child doesn't do that, but at least he will have a place to draw.

Updates

2007-08-23T12:23:00.000-04:00

The woman who made the comment about my chest is getting talked to today. I hate conflict so after this happened, I talked to one of my friends to see if she could help me come up with a snappy comeback so that if this type of comment is made again, I could say something that would get the point across that I don't appreciate these comments. Well, she told the head of employee relations and the rumor was they were going to fire this woman. I don't care for this woman, and it was very rude, but I didn't want her fired. I just wanted her to be more polite. No one official ever asked me about the incident until today. I found out that this woman's supervisor is giving her a verbal warning, I feel much better about that.

The man I felt guilty about telling I was pregnant, is expecting (well actually his wife is). She is due about 2 weeks after me. It turns out that he and his wife weren't really telling people yet and so if he seemed uncomfortable, it was because he felt weird not telling me about his own child on the way.

Classes started yesterday. I ended up dropping the two I was enrolled in and adding "Nutrition and Physical Fitness". I should learn how to develop individualized diet and fitness programs. I have been trying to get into this class for 2 years but since all the Nutrition and Kinesiology students are required to take this class and it is usually only offered once a year, it hasn't been easy. It will meet one night a week so I don't think my pregnancy will interfere too much. My only issue is that the final is scheduled for the day after I am due so hopefully the professor will work with me.

In case you are wondering, I don't know why I am taking classes. My job pays for me to take 2 classes a semester, so I do. I would like to work with obese children and help them improve their health, but I am not sure exactly how I am going to go about doing that. I have talked to the heads of the health promotion and public health and neither of them think their master's program exactly fits my plan, I need something sort of in between. In the meantime I am taking undergraduate classes in nutrition to help me get background knowledge before I apply to graduate school. I enjoy working at the bakery so much that I may not end up going to grad school though. I am playing it all by ear right now.

Bird

2007-08-21T11:22:00.000-04:00

There is a picture of Sully, a lilac crested amazon parrot. He (I think) is my brother's most recent acquisition. I am not a bird person, but I still think Sully is a pretty bird. I have no idea why he is called lilac as he is obviously green.

Last night I was really emotional about the first baby again. I think it is because of the pregnancy hormones, I'd be upset no matter what but since I have a place to focus my emotions, I focus on our lost baby.

I feel guilty when I grieve the first baby, I know I should be happy with the baby I will have in a few short months. Instead I am just overwhelmed with sadness about losing the first one. Last night I prayed that God would take my grief and guilt away. I guess it just takes time. I keep picturing the baby's tiny body and imagining what we would have named him. I am sad I never made him a blanket or got an ultrasound picture printed out. M tries really hard to understand, but the loss just has not affected him in the same way. He saw my pain when everything was happening and wanted to take it away and was helpless to do so. My body didn't change enough for him to really see that I was expecting a child.

This time around he is very attached to the baby. This baby is the one M has the connection to, not the first one. OK, that's enough for now, I sure don't need to start crying again.

Viability Reached

2007-08-20T10:01:00.000-04:00

We have reached viability with this baby! I am not naive enough to think that if the baby is born today everything will be OK, but it is so nice to know he can live.

For the past couple of days I have been really emotional about the first baby. I guess it is because our due date is approaching. Last night I kept crying. I guess I am still scared we may lose this baby too. It would kill me if we do. I already told M, that if we do, we are quitting our jobs and moving either to Colorado or Ireland and starting life over.

I booked my youngest brother plane tickets to visit over Labor Day weekend. I am really excited to see him. His last visit here was a couple years ago when he came with my dad. A couple summers before that he stayed with us for 2 weeks, that is one of my favorite memories. I think we are going to the zoo and a wildlife refuge while he is here. We will probably visit every pet store in a 100 mile radius too. He is the world's biggest animal lover, his current interest is his 3 parrots. If you name an animal, he has probably had it as a "pet" at some point. Our dogs love it when he visits because he spoils them and he sleeps in the bed with them. Even though I get to see him 2 or 3 times every year, I am really looking forward to his visit here, even if it will be brief. There is something special about having family visit as opposed to going to visit them.

Belly & Chest

2007-08-17T09:41:00.000-04:00

I have to brag on my dermatologist. Yesterday his office called just to check and see if I am getting better. My follow up isn't until next Thursday. On the way to my appointment Saturday M and I were hit by another car. It was a very minor incident since M saw it coming and was able to move over enough so that just our mirror was damaged. It made us late to the appointment though. The nurse was concerned about the baby and called my OB just in case I didn't. I am not sure how much she makes, but she deserves a raise.

About being pregnant. Once people know, they feel like they can talk about the size of your chest and your belly freely. I don't know how to get them to stop. I have a large chest, I have since high school. Unfortunately genetics hit me from both sides of my family and I am actually one of the smallest in the chest compared to my aunts, grandmothers, and cousins. It doesn't matter what I weigh, my chest is always much larger than average. It hampers running, buying cute clothes that fit properly, and my self confidence. Pregnancy has not helped my problem at all. It seems as if every morning my chest has grown. I don't like it, but there isn't much I can do. Once we are done having children, I would like to have a reduction, but I don't want to do that before I am done nursing. Anyway, people that I don't know well feel that since I am pregnant they can comment on this. It makes me very uncomfortable. I don't mind if my husband comments or a couple of my closest friends who are aware or how I feel about this, but it is off limits for discussion by others. How do I get them to stop?

I am also not fond of people talking about my belly. I have always had a nice flat belly, now it is turning into a cute round bump. I enjoy seeing the changes and sharing them with M and my closest friends. However everyone else feels the need to analyse how big I am or am not. I have enough worries about whether the baby is developing right, I don't need to be constantly reminded that I am growing (maybe too fast) or not very big (maybe the baby quit growing). I wish people would mind their own business.

Pregnant or not, I still have some confidence issues about my body. I will never be extremely thin, I am built like a gymnast with a large chest. Pregnancy does not suddenly take away insecurities about size. When the numbers on the scale showed a number that I have never weighed before, it still took my breath away. It doesn't matter if I am gaining for a very precious reason, I am still a girl who is concerned about how I look. I try to take care of myself and eat well, but please keep your comments about how I look to yourself. (Unless you think I am gorgeous then you can tell me that all you want).

Happy & Sad

2007-08-16T12:37:00.001-04:00

The itching has finally mostly stopped! I still get an itch here and there but for the most part it is over. It is so nice! My skin is looking more and more clear every day and I suspect in a week or so it should be back to "normal".

Last night we went to Cincinnati and the Gap Clearance store. I didn't find anything for myself, but I did find an adorable onesie for the little guy. I can't find a picture of it but it is white, long sleeved with red trim and has a screen printed picture of a black lab puppy with a bow tied around the neck. Embroidered under the picture is, "my first christmas". I can't wait for him to wear it. I was almost giddy last imagining cuddling up to him wearing it.

On the way home I talked to M about how we could be having a baby in a month. In a way it is really sad that we won't, but we still get to experience the joy of having a child in just a few months. For M, the timing of the second baby is much better. He is settling into his job and by December will be able to take some time off to be with me. If the baby were coming in a few weeks, the situation may be a little different.

I also finally told him that in my reading with this pregnancy, I think that the first baby was developmentally behind schedule. For some reason that was really hard to verbalize. I guess I felt like if I kept it inside, it wasn't true. When we lost the baby, he should have had eyelids, but didn't. It is possible that had the baby survived he would have developed them within the next week, but I don't really know. It made me really sad picturing that baby again. We have decided to go bury our box on September 23, the baby's due date. I think both M and I will gain a lot of closure then. The 23rd is also the 11th anniversary of our first date.

Getting sad over the first baby continued today when we had our division meeting. There is a girl who is due September 26 and seeing her made me realize how I should be looking right now. Even though I am really excited about our son that is due in December, I am so sad that we had to lose a baby first.

Tuesday

2007-08-15T08:43:00.001-04:00

I am feeling moody today so this is short. I started the prednisone yesterday. It turns out I will only be on it for 10 days, not a big deal compared to the 3 months I was on it for my ITP. I hope it helps.

If you haven't seen the Kellie Coffee video, I Would Die for That, you need to check it out. I am warning you though it will probably bring tears to your eyes so don't watch it if you don't want to cry. I found out about it through a new blog to me, Getting Through Life.

Rash update

2007-08-14T09:54:00.000-04:00

Well, M and I have started our own buying spree. We bought a crib last night. It is used but in great shape. There are a few chips in the paint where it bumped up against a wall, but nothing we can't fix. While out we also bought some clothes and a few books from a store we rarely go to.

About a month ago we overheard a woman in a store say, "There are no cute boys clothes. Girls have cute clothes, and boys have good toys." I have to disagree. I really had to restrain myself from blowing our entire baby budget on clothes that will only be worn a couple times. I love all the overalls and jackets. I like rugby shirts and anything with an embroidered football. We have the first grandchild on one side of the family so they are all all anxious to buy things for us. We also go to a pretty large church that throws pretty good showers. One of my friends told me that she had to buy very few things for her daughter during the first year. I have to keep reminding myself that little ones grow fast so I can save money not buying too many clothes.
~~~
My OB thinks the Prednisone is an excellent idea. I asked her about the kidneys and liver of the baby and she said it would not be a problem and that the Prednisone would actually help with the growth of the baby's lungs. The only problem is that I need to make sure I don't taper off the Zoloft and the Prednisone at the same time or I may drive everyone crazy. She also said that if I go into labor while I am on Prednisone, I need to make sure they give me more during labor, I didn't think to ask why. My arms are looking better, my legs about the same. My hands look OK but are itching worse.
~~~
I got a glimmer of hope while at the OB office waiting for my appointment. I saw an article about the world's youngest preemie, born at 21 weeks 6 days. The article was in People, but I also found it online. The baby is developmentally OK if you go by her age compared to her due date as opposed to her birth date. I know not all babies born that young will survive, but it is so comforting to know that if something goes wrong right now, my baby can not only live, but have a "normal" life.

Monday Again

2007-08-13T09:41:00.000-04:00

The buying spree has begun. Not M and me buying things, other people. My biological mom sent a package that arrived on Saturday with socks, blankets, scrapbooking things, and other miscellaneous baby stuff.

Sunday M's parents dropped off blankets and an outfit from M's aunt that is adorable. They also dropped off a quilt his grandmother made for the baby. It is beautiful. It is white with a bear hugging a blanket embroidered on the center. I am kind of scared to use it because it may get stained. We may just use it as a decoration. She put a lot of time into it.

I found a crib on craigslist that we are going to look at this week. I can't decide if we want a new or used crib but we can at least go look.

I followed up with the dermatologist Saturday. I actually met with a different doctor who I liked a lot better than the first. The first doctor was OK, but the new guy was so much more through. He scraped several of the spots and looked at it under a microscope and also did a bunch of blood work. He also asked me questions about everywhere I have been in the last 6 months and what medications I had been on. He ruled out scabies (thank goodness) and a drug reaction. He has not ruled out PUPPPS but doesn't think that is what I have. He thinks it is most likely cholestasis of pregnancy but won't know until he gets the results of the blood work. After I see my OB today he wants me to call him so we can come up with a plan of attack.

Cholestasis is a liver condition. I only did a little reading because what I found sounds like there is an increased risk of stillbirth. I decided that I don't need to do research on a condition I might have and get scared right now. The treatment would be a round of prednisone which I am also not keen on. It is supposed to be safe but I am worried about the babies kidneys and liver. I guess I'll know more after talking to my OB. She is pretty conservative with treatments so I think she will give me some piece of mind.

Some parts of my body are continuing to look better, but others are looking worse. So I can't figure out if I am healing or not. Hopefully I will know something by the end of the day today.

Happy Anniversary to M and Me!

2007-08-10T10:17:00.001-04:00

Tomorrow is our 6th anniversary. I can't ask for a better husband or marriage. It is a little exciting that if everything goes well this will be our last anniversary sans kids. We actually started dating almost 11 years ago. My youngest brother doesn't even remember a time when M wasn't around.

I can't imagine a more perfect wedding or honeymoon. We had a wonderful time. The past 6 years have been pretty darn good as well with the exception of a few bumps in the road. I love the fact that I have a husband who is there for me when I need him the most. He takes care of and supports me the way a husband should. He makes me feel like the most important person in the world.

My favorite part of our anniversary is that it is an excuse for us to exchange presents. In the past our presents were relatively simple due to M being in school and us trying to save money. I usually make a special dessert or something and call it a present. This year we got to spend a little more than normal which was a lot of fun.

I had decided a long time ago what I was getting M for our anniversary, a GPS. He thought it would be nice for geocaching and for work. Around the time M mentioned it, my brother bought one for himself and did a bunch of research. A bonus for me so that I didn't have to spend a ton of time figuring out what features to pay for and what M wouldn't need or use. Yesterday I realized I still hadn't ordered it and almost panicked. I decided that I'd pay extra shipping to get it here by Saturday. Then I found out a new version had just come out so the price went way down. I was able to buy it and all the accessories locally for almost half what my brother paid 6 weeks ago.

I was so excited last night that I decided we should exchange gifts then, instead of Saturday. M was just as excited about giving me my present so last night before bed we exchanged presents. M loved his!

Then he gave me his present, a channel set diamond and ruby anniversary band. It perfectly matches the earrings my mom gave me on my wedding day. I had been hinting at wanting a anniversary band for a couple years, although I said I wanted diamonds. I think I like the rubies and diamonds better than I would an all diamond ring. The ring is gorgeous! I was especially pleased when I held the earrings up next to it and realized that it looked like they were purchased as a set. The earrings are probably 20 years old. I even dreamed about my ring last night much to M's amusement.

Tomorrow we are just planning to hang out together. We will go to a nice restaurant for supper and then to a showing of the play, "Kiss Me Kate" I am looking forward to dressing up even if my legs still have a rash on them.

Looking Up

2007-08-10T08:43:00.000-04:00

Wednesday my rash got worse. The bottoms of my feet were covered in blisters and felt like they were on fire. I was frustrated that the doctor said the biopsy was normal. The baby didn't move hardly at all. I had energy when I got off work, but moving around made me itch worse so I had to sit around barely moving.

Thursday morning I woke up and my arms started to look better. I only had problems with my feet itching after I did a lot of walking. Most of the day I was relatively itch free. The baby moved a lot. I got a lot of stuff done around the house last night and it didn't wear me out.

This morning I am looking better again. By the time I go to the doctor tomorrow my skin may be clear! The baby is moving a lot again today. I think he is going to come through unscathed.

Pictures

2007-08-08T08:51:00.000-04:00

Sides of feetRight foot (I'm not sure if you can tell how swollen my toes are, but they are considerably larger than normal) Right hand
Right leg, one of the first places to break out. The bumps are all merging together.

Back, this is how it starts. Last Thursday when I went to the doctor, my back was clear.

Starting to Freak Out

2007-08-07T15:58:00.000-04:00

So I thought I was OK when the nurse said the biopsy was normal. Of course I can't stop searching for reasons why I have this rash. Since I don't have a medical degree and I've never worked in the medical field I am sure everything I am finding is obscure. The itching is driving me crazy! If I stay busy I can usually ignore it, but today I am having trouble. I have scratched my legs until they bled in 3 different places. I don't think it is possible to cut my nails any shorter, but I'm willing to try if that will help me not scratch.

I have looked up common misdiagnoses and found something called pemphigold gestationis which I have of course now diagnosed myself with. It is an autoimmune disorder and fits my symptoms. I have another autoimmune disorder which makes me more at risk for immune issues.

I am worried about the effects on the baby. Every condition with the exception of one that I have read about does not affect the baby. I am worried about the number of medications I have taken and am taking even though both my OB and the pharmacist say it is OK. Realistically, what I have is probably not serious although incredibly annoying. I just wish that I had some answers so I know that the baby is OK.

I am having trouble waiting until Saturday to see the dermatologist again. I wish they would call me up and allow me to come in right now. I'll see my OB on Monday and my general practitioner in 3 weeks. It's not like I'm not getting adequate medical care. I just wish someone would wave their magic wand and make me feel better.

Everything's "Normal"

2007-08-07T14:26:00.000-04:00

The doctor's office just called, the biopsy came back normal. Obviously there is something going on with my body that is not normal. The nurse emphasized that I need to keep my follow-up appointment, like I can ignore the little itchy blisters all over my body (except my face). Guess I'll be keeping the makers of Benadryl in business for awhile.

More itchiness.

2007-08-06T10:35:00.000-04:00

I am going to complain, but I think I deserve to.

Friday I was ill, I dry heaved worse than I have since I can remember. I finally threw up what I presume was bile although I am not sure. I guess I am on too many medications. I am starting to get worried about that. Even though my OB and the pharmacist have both given the clear, I would prefer to be medication free. Of course I would also like to be free of the little blisters all over my body.

The heat makes me itch worse. After getting to work in my not well air conditioned office on Friday, I realized it was a mistake to get out of bed. I was itching, my stomach was churning, and I kept getting light headed. I got the necessary things done then went home and slept until 5:00.

The spots have started spreading to the palms of my hands and the soles of my feet. The individual spots are also starting to blend together so instead of tiny red spots I am developing red, blistery patches. The backs of my arms look like one huge red welt. I am lucky that it is not on my face or in my hair.

The itching gets so intense at times that I just feel like crying. I went through the entire tube of cream prescribed by my doctor in one day. I am back to using Benadryl, it stops the itching better and isn't greasy. Oatmeal baths help as long as I am in the bath. The minute I get out I feel like my entire body is on fire, I assume because all the medicine has been washed off. It feels exactly like I imagine rolling in a fire ant bed would feel like. A healthy dose of liquid Benadryl helps for awhile. I keep a bottle in my purse to dab on if it rubs off. Hopefully I will know the results of the biopsy today and I get put an end to the spreading of spots.

On a more positive note, M got to feel the baby move for the first time on Friday! I am so happy that he finally got to feel the baby too.

Also, I started at the bakery this past Saturday. I just went in for 4 hours. I decorated 4 dozen cookies and 3 cakes. I learned a new technique and love working with the people there. I think I will enjoy this "job".

A biopsy can hurt!

2007-08-02T13:47:00.000-04:00

I saw the dermatologist this morning. She said that my breakout didn't look like typical PUPPS, but that because of when and where I developed symptoms she would do a biopsy to rule it out. She is treating me for folliculitis in the meantime.

I have never had a biopsy before and had no idea what to expect. The doctor used a pen to mark 2 places on my leg. Then the nurse numbed one of them, I asked about the other one but she said the doctor would just do one. The doctor came in and used a tool that was about the size of a pen but worked like a miniature corkscrew. She just turned it into the spot and then took out a round chunk of my skin. It hurt like crazy! I told them that and then looked down and realized she was doing this to the place that wasn't numb. I spoke up and both the doctor and nurse apologized profusely. They numbed the area before doing the stitches. I didn't feel anything on the second biopsy. As they were finishing the stitches I almost passed out and got really light headed. The room started to get dark so I had to lay down for awhile. That had never happened to me before.

The nurse stayed with me until I started feeling better and kept apologizing. I understand that people make mistakes and although I wish it hadn't been on me, I knew she didn't do it on purpose. She was probably going to get chewed out in a minute and me getting upset wasn't going to help. I just told her that I have high pain tolerance and that it felt about like donating blood. It actually hurt a little worse than that, but I didn't want her to be worried the rest of the day.

As for the skin condition, I won't know the results of the biopsy until next week. For now I have a cream to use anywhere it itches and antibiotics to take.

Itchy skin

2007-08-01T10:08:00.000-04:00

The interview went OK. I have no idea if they will hire me or not. If they do, I would work about 4 hours on Saturdays, about the perfect set up for me. I was really nervous about decorating a cake in front of professionals. The cake turned out OK, not my greatest, but OK.
~~~
I learned something interesting about pregnancy today. As you remember awhile back I mentioned I had poison ivy. My skin hasn't really gotten better. I don't have a poison ivy rash anymore, but now I have little spots all over my legs and arms and I itch like crazy. I talked to my doctor about using bug spray and she said to use kinds lower in Deet and safe for children. I haven't been spending a ton of time outside and we don't have many bugs so I don't think I have mosquito or knat bites. I have been washing everything in the house like crazy convinced I have fleas or bed bugs. M keeps asking me if we have bed bugs, why are they only biting me and not him. Also, the dogs have no signs of fleas and I have checked the bed and all the furniture and can find no signs of bed bugs.

M has been saying for a week or 2 that what I have is probably pregnancy related. I have been blowing off that idea because it sounds ridiculous. In the past 18 months, about 20 babies have been born at our church, not a single mom has mentioned anything like this. Well, today I am itching worse than normal, so I started searching online. I came across something called PUPPS. The symptoms sound exactly like mine. It occurs in 1% of pregnancies, 70% of people who get this deliver boys, and it is genetic. Another joy is that it tends to be worse in later pregnancies. I have emailed my aunts, cousins, and my biological mom to find out if any of them experienced this. Apparently it does not affect the baby. There is also another condition that can lead to an increased risk of stillbirth, but my symptoms seems different from that. I may be calling my doctor today.

Interview Today

2007-07-31T09:43:00.000-04:00

Today is my interview with the bakery. This is going to be a different experience for me. I had no idea what to wear, I only knew a suit was too formal. I chose brown khaki type pants and a white cap sleeve shirt with a light pink satin undershirt thing. I made sure to put my hair back since part of the interview is decorating a cake. I'm going straight from work so I didn't have a lot of choice in changing or redoing my hair.

I'm not really nervous, other than having a professional judge my work. I don't really need a new job, I would just like to improve my skills. Pay isn't an issue, I'd probably do it for free. A professional looking at my work is nerve wracking though. My friends and family think my cakes are great. I see all the flaws that I know the bakery will also notice, I have no idea if I am qualified or not.
~~~
The baby has been kicking a lot the past couple days. M still hasn't gotten to feel it yet. The kicks aren't strong enough to feel on the outside of my belly. The movement is so comforting, especially since it is a month between each doctor's visit.
~~~
On Sunday, the friends whose shower cakes I made recently, delivered a baby girl. She was a 6 weeks ahead of where I was with my first pregnancy. I am actually feeling happy for them, I know they will make wonderful parents. When I first lost my baby, I was disappointed that she and I wouldn't be stay at home moms together. Now, that I am pregnant again, it is still a possibility.

The Joy of Pregnancy?

2007-07-30T11:33:00.000-04:00

I am blessed with something that my family lovingly refers to as the [my maiden name] belly. We have very strong gag reflexes. It is something that I have sort of outgrown as I have gotten older, however I still get motion sick more easily than the average person. To combat this I avoid amusement park rides, driving on curvy country roads, and getting stuck behind diesel trucks. Sometimes Dramamine helps, but not aways.

The belly is notorious. As a child whenever we visited our grandparents, we would have to drive through Oklahoma City. The combination of changing highways, road construction, and oil refineries guaranteed that I would throw up on every trip. My parents started timing the trips so I would be asleep as we passed through. We never traveled without a supply of zipper top bags for the purpose of belly issues.

My siblings all have the same issue to varying degrees. Eli is the worst, he is almost 17 and probably throws up 2 or 3 times per week from smells, certain foods, car fumes, etc.

As I mentioned earlier, I have managed my "condition" and have not had too many issues as an adult, until I hit pregnancy. Now every time I brush my teeth I gag. I try to avoid my back teeth and do a good job flossing and rinse with mouth wash, but my teeth feel gross. I end up having to at least swipe over the back teeth with my toothbrush once a day. About every 3 or 4 days, brushing causes me to throw up. Then my mouth feels really gross.

Car rides even across town can cause me to get nauseous now. The other day I had to ask M to stop driving for awhile so I could get some fresh air and allow my stomach to settle. I was considering walking home, about 5 miles, that's how bad I felt.

I guess I should not complain because I am being blessed with a child. In the end I will probably forget about the bad stuff, but parts of this pregnancy are not fun.

More Random Thoughts

2007-07-27T16:06:00.000-04:00

I went to the movie "Hairspray" last night. It was really good and I don't normally like musicals. I laughed a lot. Seeing John Travolta as a woman was really hilarious.

I went with a friend to lunch today at a local restaurant that is known for it's variety of vegetarian dishes. Growing up eating very traditional foods, I normally prefer restaurants with burgers and fries, so that I know what I am getting when I order. I have always been a little nervous to go there, but I am so glad I did. I had a grilled avocado sandwich with tomatoes, hummus, and white cheddar cheese. It was very tasty. I hope I can convince M to go there some Saturday, the only time we usually make it downtown.

I am also feeling a little guilty. Yesterday a saw a guy that used to work in the same office area as me. I haven't seen him in a couple months and after a couple minutes of catching up, I told him that M and I are expecting. Afterwards I realized that maybe I shouldn't have said anything. He and his wife have been married 5 or 6 years and they are in their mid-30's. I have no idea if they want children, but they seem like the type of people who would want children. He asked me the typical questions, but later I wondered if maybe I should have kept it to myself in case him and his wife were suffering from infertility.

This also got me thinking about my sister-in-law. She and her husband have been married 11 years, and have no plans to have children. They love other people's children, but have decided they would rather be the doting aunt and uncle than parents. I respect their decision, it is not one that I would make, but it works for them. They are constantly being pestered about when they will have children, especially at church. Even after they tell people that they do not plan to have children, they usually get snide comments about how they'll want to change their minds later. So maybe this man in my building, has simply decided not to have children. I am not close enough to know that answer, but still am worried about hurting his feelings.

Thursday

2007-07-26T08:21:00.000-04:00

I am in a really good mood today, I guess I finally got a decent night's sleep.

Yesterday was the 5 month anniversary of our miscarriage. I did pretty well all day. I did shed a few tears, mostly when I realized that we could be having a baby in 2 months. Of course, we will still be having a baby in December and that is such a blessing.

Over the weekend I found my favorite lip gloss again. It is really cheap $1.67, but I love it. I haven't been able to find it in a year and found it again. It is the perfect color and it smells good.

The weather has also been gorgeous lately. We started out the summer having many hot, humid days. I was beginning to wonder how I would make it through August and September. Then since the 4th, it has been cool and drier. The weather reminds me of summers back home in the upper midwest, minus the bugs. I am really enjoying it.

Thanks for the comments on the adoption thing. M and I have talked for a long time about adopting a child someday. I think that is part of why the special made me so emotional.

I am looking forward to the weekend. Every summer the university hosts a women's football camp. You get to spend the day with the coaches and athletics staff learning about football and touring the facilities. My dad and brothers are not huge sports people, so I don't know much about football. M played in high school and could have played at a small college after graduation had he not been in love with me. Anyway, he is a huge football fan, he counts down the days to the beginning of the season. I enjoy going to the games because of the atmosphere, but I don't understand the game. I think the clinic is going to be good for me because I can get the game explained to me in basic terms and it is set up so you can ask questions, even really dumb ones. I have been wanting to go to the camp for a few years, but with M in school, it wasn't in the budget. This year I get to go and I am pretty excited!

Random thoughts

2007-07-25T09:52:00.001-04:00

Good morning, I am incredibly sleepy today. I kept having weird dreams, none of which I remember. I pulled the sheets off my side of the bed in my sleep, and I kept waking M up. It is going to be a long day!

I heard this morning the 5th sextuplet in MN died. I feel so awful for those parents. I really hope the 6th one is able to pull through and live. I don't know the family, but I am praying for them anyway.

I watched the beginning of a special about adoption on TV last night. It made me really emotional so I went to bed instead of watching the end. When my brother conceived a child outside of marriage, I really thought they should place the baby for adoption. My brother was 19, his girlfriend 18. I knew their lives would be really hard if they tried to raise the baby. They did meet with an adoption agency, but they did not place the baby. Now I have a 6 year old niece who is beautiful, smart, sweet, funny, and I feel guilty that I ever considered that I might not be a part of her life. Her life would probably be better with different parents though.

When she was 3 months old, her parents broke up. Now they fight all the time. They go to court every 2 or 3 months to fight over custody, visitation, child support, etc. It's terrible! My brother claims he doesn't talk negatively about his ex in front of my niece, I'm not sure if that is true, but I am sure she knows her parents don't like each other. My niece has adjusted well considering, but I still can't help but think her life would be better in a home with two parents who love each other with all their hearts and were ready to become parents.

I am not really sure why I felt compelled to share that, but I guess it was on my mind.

Cleaning up and Cakes

2007-07-24T09:26:00.000-04:00

Last night we finally started cleaning out the extra bedroom. It used to be the guest room. Then over M's Christmas break he refinished our wood floors which required moving almost everything out of our house. We reset up our bedroom, the dog room/office, and the living room, but everything else got shoved into the extra room. Then I was tired from being pregnant, later depressed from our miscarriage, and then I was tired from being pregnant again. So the room just kept getting worse and worse. It sort of started out an organized mess and then we had the puppies in there, and it turned into a huge mess. I had to close the door just so the mess wouldn't stress me out as much.

So, I got all the stuff that is going into the front closest once we get shelves, moved out. All the clothes that will go into our new dressers we ordered this weekend are stacked in tubs in our bedroom. I got the car seats and stroller from my mom, and other miscellaneous baby things put in the closet. I cleaned out the boxes of stuff from my old job, and sorted my craft stuff. It wasn't as much work as I was expecting, but it was a lot of work. Tonight we just need to sweep and mop.

I did tear up a little when I came across the bear our friends gave us when we were expecting our first baby. M and I are trying to decide if we should bury it with the box, or let this new baby play with it. I sort of want to keep it.
~~~
I e-mailed pictures of the wedding cake I made to the bakery guy and dug out as many pictures of other cakes I could find to send him today. He wants me to come in for an interview later this week. I am hoping he will allow me to do it Sunday afternoon so I can practice a little. I am kind of nervous to have my work judged. Below are some of the pictures. I don't like doing freehand character stuff because I think I am a little shaky. I love squiggles and dots though because they are forgiving and look like you put a lot of time into it when you didn't.

Realization

2007-07-23T08:41:00.000-04:00

As I was sitting in church Sunday, I realized that I had turned a corner. The babies in the room fussing no longer made me sad, I enjoyed singing the songs, I was able to pay attention to the sermon, and I didn't try to avoid talking to people. I realized that God had walked me through my struggles and He was still with me. I still don't understand why we had to lose our first baby and I never will, but I do know that God still loves me and has blessed me.

A weird thing happened yesterday. We were at my in-laws to show them the most recent ultrasound pictures and my father-in-law talked about his plans for our baby. They were all the typical grandfather things: throwing a football, going fishing, working on the farm, watching sports, etc. It sort of bothered me though. I guess it was the first time I realized that someone outside of M and I was making plans for our child. As he was talking about those things I was picturing our helpless infant being drug to the farm or out on the mosquito infested lake and worried about the safety of an infant that couldn't yet hold up his head. I am almost positive that my father-in-law was referring to the 3, 5, or 10 year old that our son will be when he enjoys those types of things. It doesn't bother me anymore, just in that moment. I keep forgetting that our son is just a part of the bigger picture.

My father-in-law also told me that he has the blanket his grandmother made him that he and M were carried home from the hospital in. I kind of pictured carrying our baby home in something I made. It isn't really a huge deal, but at the same time it never occurred to me that M's family would have traditions about what we should do with our baby. I talked to M and told him that if it was important to him, we would use the blanket, otherwise I would continue with my plan to make a blanket for our baby. I have made many blankets and quilts for other people's babies, so it would seem wrong not to do it for my own. I also suggested a compromise, since we will be bringing our baby home in the winter, we could use 2 blankets. We can take pictures with both of the blankets and both parties are satisfied.

Names- 2nd post today

2007-07-20T11:39:00.000-04:00

So I have been writing this post in my head since yesterday, but got distracted by the whole cake thing. Since I don't normally post on the weekends, I decided to post 2 today.

Names are hard to come up with! In my family the significance of each child's name had a real meaning that we all knew. I was named after a good friend of my grandparents, someone my dad had admired since he was a child. My middle name comes from my great-grandmother.

My first sister's first name comes from a book that meant a lot to my mom. Her middle name comes from her aunt. My second sister's name is from my parent's best friends since college. The people who would have taken all 6 of us in should something had happened to both of our parents. Shortly before my sister was born the wife was diagnosed with MS and because of the seriousness of the disease and the complications her mother and one of her siblings had, they decided not to pass it on to their children. My sister was named in her honor. Her middle name is the same as our grandmother, and 2 great-grandmothers.

My first brother is named after his uncle who died in the Vietnam War. His middle name is his father's name. My second brother's name comes from my great-grandfather. My dad's first name is the same as my brother's middle name. My youngest brother's name is the result of a long car trip with 5 kids. He is the 7th grandson and each grandson's name starts with "J". It is hard to be creative when the best 6 names are already taken. His name isn't really a name, but it sounds very similar to a name. It fits him perfectly. His middle name is a common ancestor of my parents. Nine generations back on my mom's side and eight on my dad's side. Growing up knowing these stories, I really wanted my child's name to have significance along these lines.

M's family is a little different. His parent's chose first names that they just really liked. M's middle name is the same as his father's. I am not sure where his sister's middle name came from. They really identify with their last name. When M and his sister were kids, as they left the house their dad would always remind them, "You are a -----." It was his way of telling them that they needed to behave. At family gatherings they always talk about characteristics that came from this side of the family or that.

I had one name picked out for many years that I would name a son. Our last name with that first name is a name common in the history books though so that name is crossed off the list. Neither M or I care for our father's names enough to name a child after them. Same goes for our grandfather's except one. A few years ago I thought of naming a son after the small town my dad lived in as a child. It is a strong name, it could be used for a boy or a girl although it is really a boy's name. It is the town where the woman lived that I am named after.

The middle name we would like to use comes from our friend K. It is the name of her son who was stillborn back in November. We sent them a card yesterday to see if that was OK with them. We would like to honor their son, but if it would be painful for them, we don't want to do it. I really hope they say yes. If not, we will be back to the drawing board. We could use either M's first or middle name, a grandfather's name, his mom's maiden name, his grandmother's maiden name, or the name of one of my brothers.

Here is the name we have decided on for now: _________. I am going to delete it after a few days, but let me know what you think.