Tonight I was putting my son, almost 4, to bed.  He looked into my eyes and asked, "Momma why are you sad?"  I tried to explain that I wasn't sad, just serious.  He interrupted and continued, "Is it because of your baby that died?"

I was floored.  While we haven't tried to keep it a secret from him, it isn't a regular part of our conversations with him.  After a question or two I learned that my husband had explained that before LG was born, we had lost a baby.  Again he asked if losing the baby was why I was sad.

I looked into the eyes of my precious boy and explained that I was very sad when his older brother died, but when he (LG) was born he brought me great joy.  Then I explained that had that baby not died, I would never have met him, and I am very glad to be his mother.

Today it is still difficult to explain the sadness over the loss of that first baby, but also the joy that comes from the son I do have.  I never could have had both of them.  I still mourn the loss of that baby, although it is completely different now than it was 4 years ago.  I feel so blessed to have the two children I have, they are beautiful and wonderful people.  The journey I have been through has led me to appreciate them even more.

Billy Donovan's Secret Sorrow

I orginally saw this piece on TV back during the NCAA tournament.  I happened across what was probably the article inspiring the piece a couple days ago and want to share it.  It is 3 men's perspective on losing a full term infant, Billy Donovan's Secret Sorrow.

While I am sad that any one has to go through this, I am glad to see the media spotlight this issue.  I am certain it will help someone learn how to support a friend going through this difficult experience.

4 years

I have been trying to think of something profound to say today, but words escape me.  All week I have been melancholy, remembering how I felt 4 years ago.

I am happy and blessed with my current life.  I have a wonderful husband and two beautiful and perfect children.

When I woke up this morning I heard a song I had not heard before playing on the radio.

Darius Rucker, This
Got a baby girl sleeping in my bedroom
And her mama laughing in my arms

There's the sound of rain on the rooftop

And the game's about to start


I don't really know how I got here
But I'm sure glad that I did

And it's crazy to think that one little thing

Could've changed all of it

Maybe it didn't turn out like I planned
Maybe that's why I'm such, such a lucky man


(Chorus)


For every stoplight I didn't make

Every chance I did or I didn't take

All the nights I went too far

All the girls that broke my heart

All the doors that I had to close

All the things I knew but I didn't know

Thank God for all I missed

Cause it led me here to

This




There is more to the song, but the first part is what speaks to me today.

God's Plans

“'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you.'" Jeremiah 29:11-12

My sweet cousin was 9 or 10 weeks pregnant and lost her baby today. My heart is aching for her! Until the last year I didn't really know her, she is a few years younger and we grew up 1000 miles apart. Now we have children just a couple weeks apart in age and have developed a relationship talking to each other about them.

We don't always know God's plans for our lives, but he does have a plan. Maybe God allowed me to lose my baby so that I could support my cousin. It has been almost 4 years since my baby died and I am at a place where I can talk about my experience easily. I am praying for my cousin & her husband they can find healing and comfort during this difficult time.

3 years

3 years ago today we lost our first little baby. At that time I felt desperate and without hope. Today it almost seems as if it happened to someone else instead of me. So much has changed. I still miss that little baby, but in a different way than before. While I don't feel healed or over it, I do feel better these days. I still think about that baby every day, it was such a major event in my life that it is hard not to.

The experience of losing that baby makes me appreciate my son and new daughter more. I know that life is precious and nothing is guaranteed so I have to enjoy every moment with them. If you would like to see how my life is these days, please visit my updated blog: Raspberry Chip.

Raspberry Chip is now private. If you would like an invite to read it, please send me and e-mail: Rachel (dot) Runner@gmail.com

2 years

Two years ago today my life changed in a way I never expected possible.  We lost out precious first baby.

"They" tell you that time heals the pain and grief, two years ago I didn't believe that.  Today I do.  I still think about our baby, the emotional loss, the physical loss, but it isn't as hard to deal with.  I still cry at times missing that baby and the life that might have been.  I feel like there is a part of our family missing.

However, today I am blessed with a son who I would not have if we didn't lose that baby. 

My loss gave me empathy for those struggling with loss not just of children but of spouses, friends, and parents.  It has opened doors for me to talk to people more in depth that I wouldn't have otherwise.

Today I am sad for my loss, but I am happy for what I do have.  I know that I will never forget our baby.

Book Taken

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